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Why do I miss him: 6 answers you didn't know


why do I miss himWhy do I miss him ?

When a relationship ends, there is one thing that we can be sure of: that we will miss our former partner fiercely.  But why do I miss him?  All I know is that he’s gone and the aching and longing in my heart are telling me I miss him, but what are the actual reasons?  You will probably miss your ex even if you know the breakup was for the best or it was you who ended it, so why is this?  There are many reasons why you may miss him, and it’s likely that you miss your ex for more than one of these reasons.

  1. Emotional dependence

It’s likely that part of the reason why you’re missing your ex is because he was always there to look after your emotional and physical needs and now that he is gone, you don’t know who to confide in about how you’re feeling.  Your ex was always there for you when you needed him most, to whisper kind words in your ear or just hold you and let you cry into his shoulder until you felt comforted.  You were reliant on your ex for these kinds of emotional needs and now that you can no longer depend on your ex this way, these feelings build up inside and make you miss him even more.

Security

You leaned on your partner for a long time, and now it’s like your safety net has been ripped out from underneath you.  You felt safe with your ex and his mere presence provided you with a feeling of security that you’re now missing.  You felt safe with him, and now you’re missing him because you don’t feel safe anymore; your life feels more uncertain now than it has in a long time.

Love

You miss your ex because you loved him and he loved you.  Now that he’s gone, you have no one to give that love to, nobody to treat and nobody to care for, and it feels like you have nobody to do those things for you.  Why do I miss him?  Because you’re missing the love that came with your relationship; he’s gone and you feel like nobody cares about you anymore, nobody loves you or has any interest in what happens to you.

  1. Nostalgia

One of the main reasons for missing your ex is a feeling of nostalgia for the past you shared together.  You were together for a long time, and now that it’s over you long to go back to that time, to a past where you were confident in your relationship, you felt loved and safe, and you were so sure that you and your ex would be together forever.  You miss your ex because you’re nostalgic for those feelings of comfort and security because everything feels so uncertain now, and you wish you could go back to those times in the past when the two of you were so happy together.

Longing for lost time

Even if you were the one to end the relationship or you completely agreed with the breakup, it’s possible that you’re longing to get back the time that you’ve wasted on this person.  In this case, the answer to the question “why do I miss him?” is that you don’t.  Not really.  You just miss the time that you could have been spending with someone else, someone more suited to you, especially if you’ve spent years with this person.  You’re not actually missing them, you’re just longing for the time that you’ve wasted with them.

Memories

missing an exOn the other hand, memories can have the opposite effect on the human psyche.  He was there for so many of the key moments of your life, he is present in all of your memories, memories in which you loved him for the things he said and did and the ways he made you feel.  Why do I miss him?  You miss him because you have all these memories together, fond memories in which you still loved each other and believed you would be together forever.  You miss him because you remember how much he loved you and how much you loved him.

  1. Uncertainty

Now that your relationship, you have left the safety of your ex and your future seems rather uncertain, leaving you with a feeling of anxiety.  You felt very safe with your ex and the thought of leaving everything that you experienced and felt with him in the past is very scary.  You were comfortable and secure in your relationship, but now that’s over.  You don’t know what awaits you in the future.  Maybe there is someone else waiting for you right around the corner, but maybe you’re going to end up alone and miserable, and that thought terrifies you, and the more time that passes after the breakup, the more scared you become that you will end up alone, and the more you miss your ex.

Starting from scratch

The thought of starting anew terrifies you.  You and your ex were together for years, so it has been a very long time since you went out to clubs, flirted and dated.  The idea of having to put yourself out there again, go out and meet people, be open and outgoing makes your head spin and nausea rise up.  You were so certain you would spend your life with your ex, but it’s clear now that’s not going to happen, and the thought of starting from scratch with somebody new, having to go through all the steps of a new relationship at this point in your life makes you long for your past relationship.  Why do I miss him?  I miss him because the thought of a future without him where I have to start over with someone else makes me anxious and uncomfortable.  You miss him because the future without him is uncertain and scary.

Emotional proximity

You were very close to your ex emotionally.  You confided everything in him, what you were thinking, how you were feeling, and your plans for the future… You trusted him with your entire life plans, always trusting that he would be a part of them.  And now there is a distance between you.  You have broken up, you don’t see each other and you barely speak, and you miss with all your heart that emotional proximity that you have had with him for such a long time.

Daily life

Your ex was a habitual part of your daily life, and now that he’s not, it’s a huge change for you that will take a long time to get used to.  You have to adjust to the fact that when you get home from work, he won’t be sprawled in front of the sofa drinking a beer, or standing in front of the stove stirring something that smells delicious.  You have to get used to coming home to an empty, cold and lonely house.  Why do I miss him?  You miss him because his daily presence in your life was something you were very used to, and you miss that presence.

Loneliness

When you come home to your empty house, eat dinner and watch television the way you used to with your ex, you’re going to miss him because all those things that seemed so fine when you were together are now very lonely.  You’ve suddenly found yourself alone in an empty house, and nothing makes you miss your ex more than going about your normal routine, the routine that you had when you were still in a relationship, and going through that routine alone.  Why do I miss him?  I miss my ex because everything I do now, every time I come home to an empty house, I feel alone.  You can combat this by changing up your routine; spend more time outside or with friends and family to take away the loneliness that makes you miss your ex.

A feeling of failure

why you're missing himWhen a relationship ends, it is often accompanied by a feeling of failure.  Our relationship did not succeed, it fell apart and we can’t help but feel like it was our fault.  We can’t help but feel like we have failed, and this feeling often makes us want to try again, which makes us miss our ex.  We wish he would come back so we could give it another go, and this time we know we wouldn’t fail, we would make it work, we would do anything…

Feeling like you have failed is something that will make you miss your ex, however unreasonably.  You should know that the failure of the relationship was not a personal failure.  The relationship failed because you and your ex weren’t right for each other, and you should remind yourself of that.  If you want to, you could think of it like it wasn’t a failure, just the universe correcting itself and making room for things still to come.

Self-confidence

The failure of a relationship can have a negative impact on your self-confidence.  You were with your ex for a long time and especially if he is the one to break up with you, your self-esteem can be shook.  If your partner could end it after being together for so long then you think there must be something wrong with you.  You’re not good enough and no one will want you, which makes you think about your ex.  You were confident in that relationship, he wanted you, and he told you that you were beautiful and sexy.  You miss the confidence you had in yourself and the confidence you had that your relationship was going to work out, which makes you miss your ex.

Boredom

Since your relationship ended, you have a lot more time to yourself.  All the nights that you used to spend just chatting or enjoying the company of your partner are now spend alone, which gives you a lot of time to dwell on your relationship and the breakup.  You have too much time to think, and that makes you over think; you start to believe the breakup was all a big mistake and you and your ex should be together.  You have too much time to dwell on it, so you start to miss him.  Boredom is something that can make you miss your ex without you even realising the cause.

You used to go away on weekends with your ex, you and he always used to go out to your favourite bar in town on a Friday night, used to visit his parents on a Wednesday evening.  When you were together, you always had something to do, something to occupy your time, and now that he’s gone, you don’t feel like you can do any of those things alone.  You have nothing to do now, so you grow bored, and your boredom makes you think of your ex and miss your relationship.  Why do I miss him?  It may be simply because you’re bored.

Why do I miss him?

It’s only natural for you to miss your ex when your relationship ends.  You spent a lot of time together and gave a lot to each other emotionally, and now that it’s over your life seems very uncertain.  You depended on your partner emotionally and now that security is gone.  You long for the past and dread the future alone. You feel like you’ve failed and lost all confidence in yourself; or you may just be missing your ex because you’re bored.  When you’re missing your ex, it’s likely to be for a combination of all these reasons, but no matter what the reason, there are ways to help yourself.  If you can identify the reason why you miss your ex, you can take steps to stop it and make yourself feel better.

Antoine Peytavin, fondateur du site jerecuperemonex.com

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