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The 6 deadly sins when you want to respect yourself after a breakup
There are many side effects to a relationship split.
Self esteem respect even our overall stability can take a beating.
To respect yourself after a breakup is not always the first thing on your mind.
Between the bouts of loss, loneliness and even depression.
Finding the energy to respect yourself after a breakup may not be there.
In a recent proof of concept study, participants who had recently gone through a painful breakup were asked to have an MRI scan.
A brain scan that takes images of electrical activity in the brain while the person does a specific task.
They were instructed to think about the breakup while looking at photographs of the person who broke up with them.
What the researchers found was amazing and revealing.
The exact same pathways became activated in their brains.
As when people experience physical pain.
So this gives an insight to the way the brain operates and the mindset.
In that painful period immediately following the separation.
Is it any wonder that many people in this situation act irrationally.
Doing and saying things they would not normally and generally not respect yourself after a breakup.
They can be seen be friends and objective observers.
To be acting in a manner that they might describe as not being quite themselves.
Or else in other cases downright odd or worse.
As a couple, you functioned like a mutual bio-feedback system in harmony for the most part.
Stimulating and modulating each other’s bio rhythms, responding to one another’s pheromones.
And addicting to the steady trickle of endogenous opiates induced by the relationship.
When the relationship ends, the many processes it helped to regulate go into disarray.
As the emotional and bio-physiological effects mount.
The stressful process could be heightened by the knowledge that it may not have been your choice.
But your loved one who chose withdraw from the bond.
That being the case it can exacerbate the situation and the behavior no end.
Resulting in the type of actions that could be described as plain crazy by those who know them.
Even the ex partner can be put off by things the ex might do if they felt strongly enough.
It could result in actions that in one person’s mind are meant or intended to reunite the couple.
But from the other ex partners perspective could be seen as pestering.
Calling constantly, sending bulk texts or acting like a deranged person to get their attention.
All of which can lead to a restraining order or else just plain avoidance.
It does not paint a picture of respect yourself after a breakup.
This is when your mind suggest things to do in order to counter what you see as a bad mistake.
As in the break up, but the actions taken have the exact opposite effect.
The intention may be to get your ex back but the ex might take a vastly different view.
Of the actions and the situation.
So here are six Deadly Sins , in how not to respect yourself after a breakup.
Negative self talk is no way to respect yourself after a breakup.
So the first one is talking negatively about yourself.
Immediately after a break up the usual modus operandi is to fall in to a slump some what like a depression.
In fact some people will display and suffer all the symptoms that are associated with depression.
- Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
- Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
- Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
- Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed
- Decreased energy, fatigue, or feeling “slowed down”
- Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
- Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
- Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
- Thoughts of death or suicide or actual suicide attempts
- Restlessness or irritability
This can include a lot of negativity and a lack of respect yourself after a breakup.
Especially for themselves.
In the aftermath of a bad break up, things like self esteem can take a beating.
Our world as we have known it is destroyed and changed utterly.
We can tend to take the decisions and opinions of our partners upon ourselves and as fact.
In the case of it ending not by our choice it can lead to a period of negative self reflection.
We can take what was said in the heat of the moment as truth and fact.
Things like « I do not love you anymore » and « it is not me it is you ».
This can lead to thinking that your self worth is less than it was in a relationship.
When this is simply not true at all.
When a relationship does not work out.
It can not be blamed solely on one person well unless they caused the split by infidelity or toxic behavior.
But beyond that when it is just a case of not working out there is no blame to lay out.
It is not something you should take personally or responsibility for.
But at such low point or time, many do.
Thinking I am unlovable or unworthy or less of a person because a relationship has failed.
This kind of thinking can lead to a down ward spiral of negative thinking that can become habit forming.
At this point you need to be building up your self esteem and increasing your feeling of value for yourself.
Rather than doing the opposite.
Brooding about your mistakes.
Hindsight is a great thing in retrospect.
But the thing is that when things are in the past they are easier to analyze and get right.
Well you can think that the right decision in that situation would have been such and such.
The problem is that option on that decision is and has past.
It is all well and good to learn from your mistakes.
But in reality that learning can only be applied to your future.
There is no point in brooding on the past and the mistakes that you made in the past.
They are done and there is nothing can be done about them except to avoid making them again.
The time machine has yet to be invented as far as I know.
So the ability to change the past is not an option.
Spending time thinking about the past mistakes is a waste of time and opportunities will pass you by.
While you while away your time thinking how things could be different.
If only you had not taken this action or made that decision.
The chance to make other mistakes or even better choices are passing you by.
So brooding on the past is a deadly sin if you want to respect yourself after a breakup.
Idealizing the person who dumped you.
We also as people tend to want what we can’t have.
Or to romanticize what was taken away from us like a relationship.
We forget the warts and all smell of dirty socks and tend to smell the roses instead.
This gives the broken relationship an unbalanced view and an unfair gloss to the ex partner.
When in fact there were issues and they indeed did have their faults.
In the immediate and for some time after the break up we tend to idolize both the relationship and the ex partner.
We suffer from a polarized view of them.
Remembering the good times and the nice things about them.
To the detriment of the whole truth and the bigger picture.
This is a common occurrence and an easy trap to fall into.
The ex was so great and all was wonderful I wish it did not end.
Well that is only a means to torture yourself.
When you find yourself romanticizing the failed romance for every nice thing you remember recall some thing bad.
Some people suggest that writing a list is a good idea.
Putting it somewhere visible like on the fridge.
Add to it as you remember more bad things.
This way you achieve a more balanced view of the romance.
Perhaps you will find that it was not at all like you imagined it was.
Perhaps it will encourage you to move on to greener and more romantic pastures.
Avoiding new romantic opportunities.
This kind of follows on from the last one in a way.
In stalling or pausing your love life, brooding on the one that got away.
You may miss another lover that maybe right in front of you.
You may harbor ideas that the ex is waiting for the right time to return.
To reignite the spark of that lost romance.
This could be just a figment of your imagination.
When in fact they may have moved on and be already dating someone new.
Some experts insist that the only way to move on is to go out and date the ex out of your mind.
It does not work for everyone and it is not fixed in regards to a specific time.
By which you should have dated or found someone to date.
But it does help to regain some self esteem and respect yourself after a breakup.
Some people even suggest if you are not looking for something serious but are suffering from the split.
To go for as many dates as you can to get over it.
The thing is if you are broken up you are single then there is no harm in dating,
and who knows the perfect guy or girl could be there right around the corner.
And you would kick yourself if you missed it because you were waiting for someone who is not coming around.
Wouldn’t you ?
Taking a break from activities you enjoy.
It is something that does happen after a hard break up.
That you feel like the things you loved to do previously have now lost some of their attraction.
Many people would have felt this way in that situation.
But you cant give up on life and all it has to offer just because you are single.
Does life just exist for couples ?
At this time being single means you have more time to yourself.
And you should not be thinking about the past you should not be idolizing the ex.
So what are you going to do with yourself?
What about all the things you used to do perhaps some of them were dropped when the relationship got serious.
Time to start to engage in them again.
Perhaps you were about to take your exam for you brown belt in judo or karate.
Or you let your studies lapse.
This is the perfect time and opportunity to continue with these activities.
Perhaps even take up new ones.
But giving up on them is not and should not be an option.
Engaging in them will sustain your passion for life,
and continue to show you have a passion for life.
Even though you may feel that all that is gone.
Who knows you could meet someone at the activities you engage in and they could be the one.
But if you do not have those outlets for living you wont get those chances at love.
Withdrawing from those who love and value you.
Following a hard break up it is normal to feel some what isolated and to isolate yourself a bit.
But this should not last too long.
As it is not healthy behavior or helpful in order to recover and get to respect yourself after a breakup.
Hiding away from friends and family who love you is counterproductive.
They are the ones who can provide support and advice at this time.
Sure you may have even helped some of your friends to get over a break up of their own.
So why wouldn’t you access that same support network.
People who love and support you are a blessing in this situation.
They can be a shoulder to cry on or a wing man on a night out on the town.
Families are a great source of comfort.
They can be non judgmental and supportive to you in this time of need.
So why wouldn’t you accept their help and support.
Antoine Peytavin, fondateur du site jerecuperemonex.com