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How to stay away from the ex


When you struggle to stay away from the ex, you can know that it is wrong.

But it can feel so right.

You can be stuck like in a love hate bond.

Stronger than superglue.

You can be well aware of what you should do

But you just cant stay away from the ex.

So how do you stay away from the ex.

 

You can be well aware of the reason why you should stay away from the ex.

But you just can not for the life of you do it for too long.

Then you are back back in baby arms again.

You can repeat it to yourself a million times like a mantra.

Stay away from the ex

Stay away from the ex

Stay away from the ex

But yet you end up back again.

 

It is just like what Oscar Wilde said about temptation I can resist everything but…

 

Intense passionate love uses the same system in the brain.

That gets activated when a person is addicted to drugs.

According to a study by Arthur Aron.

A psychologist at the State University of New York at Stony Brook.

 

In other words, you start to crave the person you are in love with like a drug.

Experts have said that romantic love is one of the most powerful emotions a person can have.

Humans’ brains have been wired to choose a mate.

And we humans become motivated to win over that mate.

Sometimes going to extreme measures to get their attention and affection.

 

When the relationship sails off and you both part ways.

You can feel like you have been left high and dry.

Well not really you can feel like crap.

Crap having a bad day.

 

In a similar state to withdrawal.

So it is no wonder then that many feel.

In the immediate aftermath of a break up.

The thing to do is to get back together with him or her.

Try work things out.

 

Now really is it a good thing idea.

Or is it just the brain screaming fix it!

That is up for debate, intense debate.

But really only you will know how that should pan out.

Or how you would like that to pan out.

That does not take into consideration the other significant in the equation.

Do they think its is a good idea.

The thought has probably crossed their mind too no doubt.

 

So what can you do when you know you should.

Stay away from the ex but can not seem to do it.

 

Pushing thoughts of your ex into a dark corner of your mind.

Is actually more detrimental to your mental health in the long run.

The worst thing you can do is try and deny your thoughts.

 

Trying to push a thought out of your mind gives the thought strength.

It can grow and begin to feel all consuming.

You may not want to remember the good times.

You are probably stuck on all the different scenarios.

That you create in your head.

When you think about what your ex is up to.

But that is a normal way of thinking.

Normal and natural as part of the process of having feelings for someone.

So let them be, acknowledge them and let them go.

Stay away from the ex get space for yourself

Shift the focus from being away from your Ex to having space for yourself.

It might seem like a small shift in focus.

But the obsessional focus on trying to stay away from you ex.

Or even to try not think about them.

Is actually counter productive and does not actually work.

The more you try not think about them.

You are actually devoting time to thinking about them.

 

Does that even make sense ?

Think of it this way.

Rather than think I have to not think about them.

I have to think about something else.

So when you want to stay away from your ex.

You want to think more about your space.

And what to do with it in order to keep your mind otherwise occupied.

 

Is that any clearer ?

No not really ?

Just think of distractions and focus on them.

 

Fantasy focus

Some sexperts suggest that one way to get over an ex is to focus on someone else.

And REALLY focus on someone else.

It should ideally be someone you know.

If that does not suit a movie star or actor will suffice.

 

Think about replacing every thought of your ex with that other person.

To the point of fantasizing about them.

And really fantasizing about them, at least once a day.

After a period of twenty one days you will have changed your mind.

 

Or maybe you will just have replaced the person your obsessed with.

But then you could be stuck on someone else.

Who might not even know you exist really.

 

You could be living in a fantasy if you can’t stay away from the ex

If your relationship has ended, then it is over.

What you had with your ex no longer exists.

It will never be the same.

Continuing the connection means that a part of you is still hoping.

Hoping that in some way or alternate universe there is a chance for you.

A chance you and your ex can be together and be happy.

 

As a result, you live off the stolen moments of closeness.

But each time you get in touch or have some contact.

You are reminded that you no longer have your ex.

And you face crushing disappointment all over again.

This emotional roller coaster gets in the way of real life.

And real life’s real opportunities for happiness.

 

Make a written commitment to yourself

Sometimes our word to ourselves is not so much of a promise.

We may not take our own word too seriously.

We can have all the good intentions in the world.

But like Oscar says when it comes to temptation we can give in.

We can be weak.

And make those promises again tomorrow.

Yeah the diet starts tomorrow but tonight I feast.

 

So instead you could try make a written commitment to yourself.

What does it mean for you to stay away from your ex?

 

Some want no contact at all.

Some want to stay in touch through phone calls or messages only.

If you stay in touch in some other ways.

Get clear on how and why and set clear boundaries for yourself.

 

If for example

You want space for yourself, in order to get a little more clarity.

So for the next 10 days you will

 

Not meet my Ex in person.

I will not pick up the phone when my Ex is calling.

If I get text messages from my Ex.

I will not respond immediately or at all if that is the commitment you are making.

I will respond only once a day at 5pm.

Stating “I got your messages, I am OK”.

I will not check their social media page and block them from my stream.

Here the commitment includes letting your partner know that you are ok.

But not going into the content of the messages they received.

But it can be an absolute commitment to no contact what ever.

You could let your Ex know ahead of time, that is what you will do.

Or if you feel that letting them know this may bring up more questions.

That you feel unable or unwilling to answer.

Do not feel obliged to give these explanations.

Not everyone is deserving of your time remember that.

Especially if you find that it is particularly difficult.

 

It can really help to put a date and signature to this commitment.

And carry a copy with you at all times, e.g. in your wallet or phone case.

 

Get support

You could ask someone to mentor you in this matter.

Like recovering alcoholics have.

Where you get someone to act as a barrier when you feel weak.

And you are feeling particularly vulnerable.

Someone from your friends to agree to answer your calls.

When you feel the need to call on the ex.

 

You could talk it over with your friends and family and access your support network.

They could come over and take your keys away.

So you wouldn’t or couldn’t drive to the ex’s place.

Heck you could take up drinking in order so you couldn’t drive there.

It would at least increase your chances of not making it there.

 

Only joking and perhaps it is a bad joke.

Drinking as a means for trying to stay away from the ex never works.

Some will indulge it in order to forget.

Sure when you are out socializing it is kind of normal and part of the course.

But if it goes from a social thing to a habitual and nightly thing.

You are creating bigger and more serious problems for yourself.

Sure have some fun indulge yourself a little.

But everything in moderation.

Extreme reactions are never a good thing especially in this situation.

 

If you don’t stay away from the ex you can’t let new energy in

Even if you are not consciously aware of it.

If you are still in contact with your ex.

You are continuing to devote time and energy to that relationship.

Which could no longer be what you need and want for yourself.

Each time you talk to your ex or make an effort  to contact,

Or even think about when you will be next in contact with them.

You are draining off the energy needed to pursue new life experiences.

You are focusing too much on the past to the detriment of your present.

And your future.

 

Keep a record of how you feel.

 

Understand your desires and give them attention.

Starting a diary or a journal of your feelings can help you to realize and accept them.

Actually writing them down on paper can be a cathartic experience.

As you go through this process you may discover things about yourself.

Just the act of writing them down and reading them at a later stage can be very revealing.

 

Life is a journey

Life is a journey and an adventure.

And it is important you don’t focus too much on any one aspect of it.

Stop and ask yourself how and why you get obsessed about things.

And how to stop it.

Do you need a partner 24/7?

Do you feel empty inside if you don’t have a partner?

Do you value time alone or find it difficult to deal with?

Do you have an addictive personality?

 

In order to heal yourself emotionally, spiritually and completely.

You need to acknowledge and accept your strengths and weaknesses.

And learn how to heal yourself.

When someone is obsessing about an ex.

It is often because they are not emotionally healthy themselves.

Not a bad thing but something that needs to be acknowledged.

 

The bottom line is heal yourself first

And then you will be able to stop thinking about your ex.

 

A sick analogy

Before you read this be warned it is gross.

It is totally sick but if you are struggling to stay away from the ex.  

This bit is all about the processes of addiction and recovery.

When you are stuck thinking about sad thoughts and the past constantly.

Think that is the same thing as a dog going back to his own puke.

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.



When you tap into this as a visual analogy.

Super gross I know I did warn you.

You should see it works on many levels and it just makes sense.

What you need to do is repeatedly.

Tell yourself you are not a dog.

And you don’t need to go back there.

You may never look at a dog in the same way again.

But it can help you when you struggle to stay away from the ex.

And you shouldn’t keep going back to your own vomit.

 

A few don’ts

Don’t go to their workplace.

Don’t go to the places they hangs out.

Don’t call them you probably should delete their number.

Don’t answer their calls.

Don’t answer their emails.Block or spam them.

Block their Internet messenger or any internet contact

Don’t hang out with their friends.

Don’t drive by their home

Don’t walk around where they live.

Don’t look at them if they are around.

Go on a vacation if you need a good break.

Move out of town if you need to take drastic action.

 

Antoine Peytavin, fondateur du site jerecuperemonex.com

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