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Sex with an ex: What you should know before you do it

sex with an exSex with an ex is something that causes a lot of controversy over the internet and on certain web forums.  Some believe it’s a great way to hold on to the physical benefits of a relationship and blow off some steam while others think it’s a sure recipe for disaster.  Whether you choose to have ex sex or not is up to you.  You need to weigh up the pros and cons and decide for yourself if the benefits are worth the potential risks and problems.  In this article you’ll find all you need to know about ex sex so you have everything you need to make an informed decision before you put yourself in that situation.

What are your motives?

Before you decide to have sex with your ex you need to seriously consider why you want to do so.  What are your motivations and expectations?  If you were hoping that having sex with your ex would help the two of you get back together then it’s a very bad idea. Sex is not a commitment and doesn’t mean you’re getting back together, and if that’s what you’re hoping for then it will likely only lead to more pain and suffering for you.

If you’re going to have sex with your ex, you need to be able to separate your emotions from your physical needs which is a lot easier said than done for most people.  The amount of time that has passed since the end of the relationship may be something to consider here.  If the break up is very fresh then it will be very difficult to let go of your emotions, but if you’ve been separated for several weeks or months then there is likely to be a lot less residual feelings between the two of you, and therefore it would be much easier to have a casual relationship.

Why do you want to sleep with your ex?  Maybe it has been a while since you last had sex and you think casual sex with someone you once trusted sounds like a good idea.  Maybe your ex was really good in bed and you wouldn’t mind taking a ride on that pony again.  If you decide to have sex with your ex, make sure that your motivations are purely physical and that you’re not hoping to get more out of this relationship than a few great orgasms.

What are your ex’s motives?

While you need to think long and hard about your own motivations, you should also consider the reasons why your ex wants to have sex with you and what their expectations are if you do.  Do you think they want to get back together?  Are they looking for closure?  Or are they expecting it to be a purely physical arrangement?  Before you have sex with your ex you need to make sure you’re both on the same page, directly ask them these questions if you have to.  The last thing you want is to end up hurting each other, which is exactly what’s going to happen if the two of you aren’t clear about what you want.

If you’re going to have sex with an ex you need to consider if you’re using him/her and if he/she is using you.  Are you being considerate of your ex’s feelings?  If they still have feelings for you, are you exploiting those feelings for your own benefit?  Is your ex being considerate of your feelings or is he/she taking advantage of any feelings you still have for him/her?  You need to be very careful if you’re using each other that you’re on even footing and neither of you is abusing the other’s feelings for their own benefit.  Before having ex sex you both need to agree and be certain that it is nothing more than sex.

The advantages of sex with an ex

You already know each other intimately

If you and your ex were together for months or years, then you already know each other’s bodies intimately.  Your experience with each other means that your ex knows what you like and what you don’t like in bed, they know where your most sensitive spots are and how to make you scream, and you know how to work their body for maximum pleasure too.  With a past lover who knows your body as well as they know their own, the sex is sure to be great.

It’s comfortable

casual relationshipYou can be very comfortable with your ex because you’ve been together before.  You don’t need to worry about your insecurities since your ex has already seen you naked and came back for more, so obviously they aren’t going to make you feel self-conscious.  Actually, you can feel much more secure and comfortable having sex with an ex than you would with somebody new.  And you don’t have to feel embarrassed to just ask them for sex either.  You could even just send them a text and they’re likely to agree.

It’s much easier and more sensible than walking up to someone you don’t know in a bar and asking if they want to have sex.  You know your ex so well that you’re not afraid to just put yourself out there and ask for what you want. If they say yes, great! Mission accomplished!  If not, no harm done and you’re not embarrassed.

Another advantage of having sex with your ex is that you’re comfortable enough with them to tell them exactly what you want in the bedroom without feeling self-conscious or embarrassed.  While you were in a relationship with your ex, you may not have wanted to ask them to do something different or that you would like them to do something in a different way. Simply because you didn’t want to make them feel bad.  Now you can be open and tell them exactly how you want them to touch you.  And since you’re not in a relationship, you don’t have to worry about hurting their feelings if you want to ask them to do something a little differently.

It’s cheaper

Once you add up all the costs of going on a date, or even on a night out where you hope to meet someone, the cost can be astronomical.  A new outfit, make-up, hair gel, taxis, drinks, dinner, entry to a club…  Dating isn’t cheap.  So why would you go to all this trouble and expense to meet a new partner when you could just text your ex and be at their place in five minutes with no cost?  Having sex with your ex takes care of your physical need without having to go out and spend lots of money to look good or woo someone new.  It’s a win-win situation.

It’s lazy

The sex itself is not necessarily lazy, but you can be lazy.  All the personal grooming that you do before you have sex with someone new. The waxing and shaving and moisturizing and whatever else. The things that you perhaps did at the beginning of your relationship with your ex.  All that is no longer necessary. You stopped doing it a long time ago for your ex. So they’re not expecting you to be hairless and flawless.  They’ve seen it all at its worst so you don’t need to go to great pains to look sexy for your ex.

The disadvantages of sex with an ex

It’s lazy

Yes, I just said this was an advantage. But here’s the downside of it: you can be lazy, but so can your ex.  All that waxing and grooming that you don’t really want to do, your ex doesn’t want to do either.  You’ve seen him/her at his/her worst before. So he/she isn’t going to care much what you think of them now. This all comes down to the individual couple.  Maybe you don’t mind a little sloppiness and lack of personal hygiene. Especially if you haven’t given it much thought yourself.  But on the other hand, maybe you don’t want to have sex with Chewbacca’s twin brother or sister.

It can open old wounds

Having sex with an ex can reopen old wounds and cause you a lot of unnecessary drama.  While sufficient time may have passed and you may think your feelings about the break up and residual feelings for your ex have completely faded, you may find that you’re wrong.  As you get closer physically to your ex, you may find yourself starting to get annoyed over old arguments. Or angry about the way they treated you or the way they broke up with you.  A break up can be like taking a knife and carving a hole out of your chest.

After the break up you slowly start to sew the wound back together. Over time it heals on its own.  Having sex with your ex is like ripping the stitches out of the wound before it’s fully healed.  You need to be aware that having sex with your ex, no matter how long after the break up, can provoke old feelings and memories that you really don’t want to go through again.

You may be in denial

If you agree to sex with your ex you may have to admit that you’re in denial about your relationship.  Maybe you don’t think you want to get back together when it begins. However, after a few weeks you find yourself feeling clingy and possessive of your ex.  You start to fall for your ex again. Which is never a good idea unless your ex feels the same way and you think you can work it out.  Having sex with an ex can be great. But if you start to catch feelings, you need to stop right away. Otherwise, you leave yourself vulnerable and open to the pain of another break up.

You’re stuck in a rut

If you’re having ex sex, you’re not really going backwards. But you’re not moving forwards either. You’re stuck in a rut somewhere between the two, just treading water until something comes along to change the current. How does it end?  It probably won’t end amicably, that’s for sure. Either one of you will catch feelings and you’ll have to call an end to the arrangement. Or one of you will start seeing someone else and leave the other high and dry.  And if your arrangement with your ex continues for too long, you risk becoming attached. Getting stuck in a vicious cycle and finding it very difficult to move on.

It’s a dead-end

A casual no-strings-attached relationship is a dead-end relationship.  It isn’t going to go anywhere and at the end of the day, a waste of time.  You could be going out, meeting exciting new people, moving on with your life… so why would you want to take a dead-end road that you’ve been down before?  You know how it ends, so why go there again?  It would be a much better use of your time to put yourself out there and look for a new relationship.

Questions you need to ask yourself before having sex with an ex

Can it really just be about the sex?

Are you absolutely certain that you can have sex with your ex and really be okay with it just being about the sex?  Also, are you one hundred per cent sure that you’re not going to start having feelings for your ex if you start getting close to him/her again?  Are you positive that your ex doesn’t have any residual feelings for you and will not develop any?

If you’re going to have sex with an ex you need to be convinced that both of you are on the same page, that it is only about the sex and neither of you is at risk of developing feelings.  You need to be confident that neither of you is going to start wanting something more from the relationship, and if you do you must end it right away.  You need to be sure that neither of you is going to end up getting hurt by this arrangement.

Are you going to stay the night?

sex with your exThis may seem like a very simple and very random question to ask, but you need to be sure of this before you have ex sex.  You need to be certain that you and your ex both know what is going to happen.  Are you going to stay the night?  If the answer is no, then it’s probably a lot simpler. Although you should be careful that you don’t leave yourself or your ex feeling cheap and used.

Leaving right after sex can make many people feel dirty and ashamed. So even if you’re not staying the night, don’t leave immediately after sex.  If the answer is yes, then you’ll probably feel a little better about the whole thing. Yet you need to be careful.  Staying overnight leads to cuddling and spooning. The physical closeness of cuddling and spooning can very quickly lead to the development of feelings of attachment and emotional proximity.

Are you protected?

Many of you may think that you were with your ex before and you never had to worry about protection.  You were on the pill or you knew that your partner was and that was sufficient, so why should things be any different now?  BE VERY CAREFUL.  You don’t know where your ex has been since the two of you broke up.  And you don’t know if he/she has had any new relationships.  Furthermore, you don’t know if he/she has been going on a lot of tinder dates.  Also, you don’t know if he/she has been sleeping around.  YOU DON’T KNOW.

So whether you or your ex is on the pill, has an implant, whatever.  You still need to use condoms.  You need to protect yourself.  And even if your ex tells you that he/she is safe, you’re not in a relationship anymore, he/she is not obligated to tell you about anybody they’ve been seeing or sleeping with and may not be entirely truthful.  You wouldn’t have unprotected sex with a one-night stand, so don’t do it with an ex.

How does sex with an ex end?

You should seriously consider the fact letting this arrangement continue for too long is probably not a good idea. Before you launch into it you may want to consider the possible ways in which it could end:

  • One of you develops feelings. One of you ends up developing feelings for the other. Yet the other does not reciprocate these feelings. The arrangement ends. One of you is left feeling like you’re going through a break up all over again.
  • Both of you develop feelings. Both of you develop romantic feelings and you think it’s a great idea to get back together. But the first relationship ended for a reason. A few weeks or months in, that reason rears its ugly head again. Then both of you are left dealing with the pain of another break up.
  • One of you starts seeing someone else. One of you calls off the arrangement (or just never calls again and ignores the other person’s calls) because you’ve started seeing someone else.  The other person feels like they’re being dumped again even if they have no romantic feelings. They get jealous and angry and are left high and dry, with no plan for taking care of their physical needs because they haven’t moved on to start dating other people.

Before having sex with an ex, you need to seriously think about how it’s going to end, and be honest with yourself. It’s very likely that one of you or both of you will end up getting hurt.

Is the sex worth it?

Think back to the relationship.  Is your sexual frustration clouding your vision and making you remember it differently than it was?  Was sex with your ex really that good or was it just mediocre?  Before you have sex with an ex you need to weigh up the pros and cons, the advantages and disadvantages and be positive that the sex is worth all the inevitable problems and downsides.  Before you do it, be certain that what you’re getting out of the arrangement is really worth all the trouble it has the potential to cause.

Should you do it?

I can’t answer this question for you and neither can anyone else.  Your body is yours and yours alone to do with as you please, so this decision is yours to make.  You should however read this article carefully, consider all the advice and apply it to your own situation, consider the benefits and drawbacks, and make an informed decision for yourself.  Don’t let lust blind you to all the reasons why you shouldn’t and don’t let fear blind you to the reasons why you should.  Whatever you do, keep your heart separate from ex sex.  Don’t let yourself get hurt by something like this that should be fun and exciting.

Before you have sex with an ex, you need to take care to inform yourself.  There is a lot you should know before you enter into any kind of casual relationship with an ex.  Take some time to consider your own motivations and expectations, and then consider theirs.  Think about the advantages and disadvantages of having ex sex. Ask yourself the important emotional and practical questions that will stop this arrangement from turning into a nightmare.  Go online and read other people’s stories. Then you see how it worked out for them.  You may believe you and your ex are different. That may be so, maybe you can make it work.  Whatever you do, don’t make the decision to have sex with an ex lightly.  Carefully consider whether or not the risks and problems outweigh the benefits. Then only, make the decision that is right for you.

Antoine Peytavin, fondateur du site

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