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Saving a marriage how to avoid the break up


If you are serious about saving a marriage and how to avoid a break up.

As soon as possible, deal with the panic, skip the floundering, and make a plan of action.

Are you at the end of your tether and potentially the end of a marriage?

Most couples will not even do half of what is possible to save a marriage.

People will often think and say that they have tried everything.  

But usually they are not even close to the many ways to save a marriage from divorce.

Consider that divorce is commonly regarded as one of the most stressful events that can happen in a person’s life, even beyond the death of a loved one.

Keep that in mind if you are thinking that its too hard or you want to give up.

Think again, try again and try something else or else.

 

Prepare for action : saving a marriage

Part One of the advice on how to save your marriage is to seek help early instead of waiting for negativity to become entrenched in the relationship.

« You need to take steps early on to stop the irritations mounting.

It’s all too easy to get into a situation where both people love each other but neither feels loved. » explains Harry Benson of the marriage foundation, who saw his own marriage falter.

According to Dr. John Gottman, roughly 70% of problems in relationships are, by nature, perpetual and unresolvable like she wants kids but he is infertile.

Solve the 30% of marital problems that can be fixed.

For the rest, get help learning how to identify your non-negotiables for example children are a must.

As well as your areas of flexibility, solution is, we could adopt.

Take advice and listen to the words of experts in the field.

Family law expert Neil Russell believes many couples who find their way to court don’t really want to divorce.

« If only they would work through the rocky patches, they could have a better life together, » he says.

Research by the Marriage Foundation in the UK shows that years five to seven are the most risky in terms of divorce, with the chances decreasing steadily the longer you’re married.

Maybe even before marriage and the need to save a marriage, consider counselling.

To ensure you’ve made a good choice in a partner and do the  pre-marriage counseling work to get the marriage off to a good start and get the essential  skill sets to get over the bumps easier.

Skill sets for saving a marriage

You have to look at marriage no different than acquiring an education and a skill set for employment.

Don’t doubt it takes work, daily work to maintain harmony, joy and peace.

What did you really think that after the happiest day of your life it would be like in the movies happily ever after ?

Learn the four skill sets essential for sustaining a loving relationship:

1) talking together calmly and cooperatively 

2) making decisions together

3) preventing anger from spoiling your relationship

4) pumping up the positivity you show to each other.

If in the early stages, issues come up, don’t avoid them and sweep them under the carpet.

Get to marriage counseling and get some help from independent mediation.

Saving a marriage : things to do to avoid a break up

If you are at the point the you are considering divorce it obvious that you are having problems.

You need to identify and tackle those problems.

Your emotions can be a big stumbling block that get in the way of your attempts to rescue your relationship.

Because emotions, when they are running high and they most  likely are, prevent you from thinking in a clear and logical fashion.

This makes getting things together  harder and makes taking the steps towards saving a marriage even more difficult.

It can not be done alone either.

Clarify what you need to change in order to save a marriage

Write out a list of all the moments that your ex recalls with anger or bitterness.  

Create your own list as well.

List all the complaints, criticisms and angry comments you can recall that you probably see now were about causes for the current situation.

Check out the list with your spouse.  

Be sure to be thorough that you left no criticisms out.

Then go through each item on each list together, one by one, to “find the mis.”

That means each of you needs to look for your own part in the misunderstanding, misconceptions, mistakes etc.

It’s not about laying blame, naming and shaming.

It is about missed opportunities to learn from your mistakes.

At the same time, keep calm as if you are just checking the list you are bringing to the shop.

“ I’m just getting all the goods on my shopping list.” Matter of fact like.

No victim ploys no further reproaches and no groveling either.

Find out what resentments and hurt feelings your spouse carries that may have been factors that led to the point of breaking up.  

No one gets to comment on what the other did that was problematic.

Just aim to understand what you did that inadvertently contributed to the problem.

Apologize for it.  

Then figure out what in the future you can do differently to prevent any repeats.

Mistakes are for learning

I bet they never taught you that in school.

If your marriage is rocky now, probably you haven’t learned enough from your mistakes.

This won’t be easy. Consider the alternatives.

It won’t be easy to maintain a calm objective rational almost cold attitude throughout the lists.  

True intimacy involves self-reflection and transparency, both of which play a role in accountability.

Self-reflection occurs when each partner can honestly, without pride, examine their thoughts and behaviors and take ownership for their intentions and possible wrongdoing.

If one or both members of a couple are incapable of doing this, saving a marriage cannot move forward.

Prevent having to save a marriage rather than cure a marriage in crisis

Kiss, cuddle and say « I love you » everyday

Every day should begin with a kiss as long like the toothpaste advert says you are confident of fresh breath.

Hold hands, cuddle and put your arm around your loved one’s shoulder to let them know you are there and on their side.

« A gentle touch or supportive look can say a thousand words, » says family counselor Lulu Luckock.

Send your spouse text messages telling them how much you fancy them, adds Seyfried Herbert.

Doing these little things more often can increase the will to change and get over troublesome issues.

It also strengthen the bond helping to save a marriage and avoid break ups.

Make time to make love

All work and no play makes the marriage just hard work.

And in times of strife it may seem like there are no benefits to it whatsoever.

The loss of intimacy is a major contributor to break up not only in marriages in relationships in general.

That also has a positively negative impact on the will to deal with and survive issues within the partnership.

« We don’t have time for sex, » is an excuse family law expert Katherine Rayden hears from too many couples.

« You’ve got to prioritise it over everything, » she says.

To have time you need to make time this holds true in saving a marriage and especially a marriage in crisis.

« There is a reason you are a married couple, not best friends or housemates, » adds expert Ayesha Vardag.

« It’s because at some point you really fancied the pants off each other.

Losing that intimacy can drain the vitality from your marriage.

Making love has many health benefits which include :

  • Helps Keep Your Immune System Humming
  • Improves Women’s Bladder Control
  • Lowers Your Blood Pressure
  • Counts as Exercise burning calories
  • Lowers Heart Attack Risk
  • Lessens Pain
  • May decrease the risk of Prostate Cancer

Smother the urge to play victim

“This is all your fault, How could you do this to me?”

Might express how you feel, but it’s more likely to be a losing strategy for regaining your spouse’s affection and goes no where in saving a marriage.  

Guilting your partner into returning will just gain , a depressed “I hate being here again” spouse.

Not a good approach to saving a marriage how to avoid the break up rather the opposite.

Switch the “poor me,” attitude and  turn it instead to “proud me.”

Remind yourself of the positive qualities you and your partner can bring to a marriage, and figure out how to express them both.  

Pretty soon you’ll start believing in yourself more and appreciating your spouse more.

Through force of habit it will become routine.

The benefits of this small change can be enormous both for yourself and for your partner.

Let your actions speak louder than words.

Turn your words to appreciation of others, not comments about yourself. Self-praise is a turn-off.

Flattery will get you everywhere.  

Smile at your partner releases chemicals in the brain that increase the feeling of well being.

It is also contagious like laughter.    

Laughter too has similar benefits. Laugh at silly things rather than saying you are silly or  that’s silly.

Express affection more often.  

Share your gratitude for good things your spouse has done.

Look your best

Appearance can be a huge factor in the odds of success in saving a marriage and avoiding the break up.

If deep down you have self esteem issues like you feel you don’t deserve to be loved, you need to change that.

A simple technique is called “temporal tapping,” for changing self-defeating beliefs.  

With the three longest fingers of your right hand, tap in a circle around your right ear.  

Tap from front to back, down and around back up, completing a circle, for as many as 10 circles.  

As you tap, say aloud, “I deserve to be loved.  I am lovable. I deserve to be loved. I am lovable. etc….”

Make an effort to connect more often

Put some energy and effort into the relationship.

Just like you did when you were dating.

Even spending just 10 minutes a day together emotionally connecting will often help when it comes to saving a marriage.

This means no television, video games or children during daily connection time.

“Connecting” may involve simply talking and sharing, taking a walk together, or doing something together you both enjoy.

Just being nice to each other often produces surprising results.

Don’t be surprised how quickly you can feel disconnected even in a healthy relationship.

Sometimes it could be right after you believed things couldn’t be better.

It’s always darkest right before the dawn.

Realize that the perfect marriage is a myth or a fairy tale.

And that’s a big illusion.

Once upon a time, you thought that your husband (or wife) was a wonderful partner for you. Rediscover the reasons you thought that was true.

Often when people first fall in love, they show their best qualities and hide the others.

These could have been the reasons you decided to marry.

People should see the flaws of each other and more importantly accept them.

Acceptance is a means to let little irritations slide.

Learning acceptance is a lifelong process like a healthy marriage .

We are  guaranteed to be given plenty of opportunities to practice.

Practice applying the understanding that unless you’ve learned how to change the past.

It is as good as it’s ever going to get.

The future on the other hand is another matter altogether and should be treated that way.

We can get stuck focusing on the the things that our partner didn’t do for us.

We then use that as a justification for us not do good things for our partner.

This creates a cycle of hurt and resentment.

This is the re-experiencing of past injustices real or perceived and the old feelings of anger connected to them.

Resentments form when people get angry toward a person or situation, and steadfastly hold on to that anger.

There is a saying that when you resent somebody, you become his or her slave.

The stronger the resentment is, the more time you spend thinking about it.

If you have been begging the other person to give you another try or pleading for them to get back together with you, stop now.

This might seem counterproductive, as if now it will make it easier for them to divorce you.

But your pleading probably wasn’t doing anything but convincing them that divorce maybe good idea anyway.

If  20 sessions of Emotionally Focused Therapy can’t help a couple resolve the hurt and get past your differences and save a marriage.

Then utilize counseling services in order to make the transition from married to divorced as smooth as possible.

Don’t make it harder than it could be. 

 

 

Antoine Peytavin, fondateur du site jerecuperemonex.com

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