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Save your couple with the DREAM method
A couple in peril is no joke .
Your head can spin from the problems.
Sometimes you can hardly get to grips with the issues.
Let alone trying to solve them or to save your couple.
You can get stuck in a rut of fights and resentment.
Communications are limited to blame games.
Rather than trying to save your couple.
Your relationship has slipped from the priority list.
It happens I get it. You get it. Your significant other more than likely gets it too.
You started the relationship, feeling something like the heat of the sun’s surface.
And you promised that you would forsake all others.
That you would put it above anything else in your lives.
Then you allowed time and daily life to get in the way of that promise.
More accurately, you probably allowed your decisions to erode that promise.
It could have been your career, it could have been their career.
And then it was your health, then friends, family, kids, pets even Netflix.
Or any number of other things.
Whatever got in the way, you allowed it to get in the way or rather to take priority.
Now it’s time to save your couple and put due care back into it.
And declare “I care about my relationship and my partner I want to save the relationship”.
Couples can argue all the time
and it is a natural thing even for long term relationships.
There will always be differences disagreements and areas that need compromise.
They can have a variety of causes and reasons.
There will be times when it reaches a breaking point where everything is starting to fall apart.
Things generally all round start to suffer because of the lack of love.
Or more likely the build up of resentment.
Perhaps the issues are not being resolved, rather they are being ignored.
Building up the stress and the pressure.
This can often lead to explosive and devastating breakups.
But it doesn’t always have to end that way or be that way.
There are simple ways to improve your relationship and save your couple.
You may feel like the spark is gone.
But you still have romantic feelings for him or her.
You might get the sense that your partner no longer cares as much about the relationship.
Or at least not as much as you do.
You no longer have the upper hand or things feel like they are getting out of your control.
It is natural to feel anxious and sad when this happens.
Your anguish may lead you to attempt to use various manipulation tactics.
To try get the upper hand in your relationship.
But playing games to gain or regain the power in a relationship is bound to lead to its demise.
But these tactics tend to be extremely unhealthy and unhelpful at the very least.
Physically or verbally abusive relationships, relationships in which one partner is cheating.
are often doomed to fail or to lead to heartbreak and unhappiness.
If you feel your partner is pulling away or the divide is growing in your relationship.
The way to go is not to try to gain or regain the power in your relationship.
« Power » doesn’t give you what you want it won’t save your couple.
What you really want is to be loved, you want your love to be reciprocated.
And you want praise, admiration, and respect like anyone else.
Your negative feelings about your relationship stem from a perceived lack of these features.
Re-evaluate the reasons you’re together.
When you find yourself in this situation,
remember the DREAM you had at the beginning of the relationship.
Remember the way you felt at the start.
Re-evaluate the reasons you are together.
Are they still as valid today as they were back then ?
Have things changed and how ?
This is where you take the time to really think about the relationship.
Especially about your part in it.
Do you want it to continue this way?
Do you want it to end ?
Obviously you don’t but you must have had some hand it getting to this point.
This is where you need to do some deep soul searching.
Be brutally honest with yourself and think about how you have contributed to the situation.
Can you see patterns of cause and effect with regards to the fights that occur regularly ?
Can you see modes that perhaps contribute to those arguments ?
Remembering that we can only change ourselves can help to pave the road to recovery.
It is better to lead by example than to try elicit change from others.
Especially if it is against their will.
Starting off with an act of contrition and being truly sorry for your past mistakes.
Shows courage and a fortitude to take ownership for them and an ability to change.
This will show a true willingness to fix and save your couple.
It starts the discussion off on the right foot.
Rather than first off trying to lay blame.
It disarms any potential defensive reactions that can be provoked.
In trying to open up these types of potentially contentious discussions.
To save your couple Communicate properly
Communication issues is the single most popular reason,
why couples engage in therapy.
Effective and regular communications is not always easy.
Especially in this highly connected and always on world.
Sounds like a contradiction but it is true, it can divide too.
So many things eat our attention that real and genuine communication suffers as a result.
Learning to communicate and compromise is not always a smooth ride.
He may care about being on time or early, she could care more about not being rushed.
She could like the kitchen cleaned after dinner, he might not care less as long as his belly is full.
He could get stressed out when he doesn’t know the schedule in advance.
Whereas she could feel stressed when she feels tied to a plan.
These kinds of things are normal everyday decisions and occurrences.
That can seem to drive a wedge between you if your are not on the same page.
These are the results of different expectations that the other needs to be aware of.
Not that one or the other need to change their behavior and ways.
Because that is not what being in a relationship is all about.
You both need to have understanding communication and compromise to save your couple.
And to create a balance.
Most of the reasons why people breakup can actually be remedied and solved through negotiation.
Sure, this is not a business relationship or even a business partnership.
But romantic relationships follow the same structures as what makes any good partnership last.
Regular honest communication and an openness to compromise.
It can dramatically mend an almost breaking bond and save your couple.
Being honest with each other and letting them know how you truly feel can be liberating.
At the same time, it will let you both know what went wrong and what you can do to fix it.
Talk about what needs to be done.
What you can do to accomplish it, and what you should stop doing.
Sure there will be the tendency to focus on the negatives that need changing.
Things can fall into the easy trap of the blame game and finger pointing.
Try countering this with the positives that still exist between you both.
If you are in a troubled relationship,,
you can either plant seeds of gratitude or seeds of resentment.
You plant seeds of resentment by score keeping.
Keeping track of every time that you did something nice, noble, or awesome for them.
While actively ignoring or minimizing the things that your partner did for you.
Try to achieve a balance.
To save your couple cut out external influences.
For yourself take five minutes of Do Nothing Time .
It is a great way to help achieve a more mindful state.
No checking your phone. No reading a newspaper.
Just sit there, and if any feelings come up just acknowledge and embrace them.
Discomfort, restlessness, or even the guilt that you are not doing anything.
Most of the time we can get so wrapped up in doing something ‘productive’,
that it’s difficult to just sit still and do nothing.
It is all about being “in the moment”.
Before you go to sleep,
take a moment to think of one thing you were grateful for that day.
No matter how big or small, or how difficult the day was.
This will condition your mind to think positively, and help you sleep better.
When time is given over to talking or discussion cut out external distractions.
Be it the phone, Television, the kids or even the dog.
This needs to happen in order to have a chance at real effective communication.
I mean you cant have an effective discussion if one half of you has an eye on your phone.
Or the other half is watching the second half of the soccer match.
When people fall out of practice of effectively talking to each other.
They need to learn that skill again and we can all fail sometimes at it.
So be patient and try to be understanding.
If something is not clear ask for an explanation to be sure.
Take your time, try not to interrupt when the other person is talking.
Focus on what they are saying rather than what your reply will be.
Save your couple by doing something special together
This should go without saying.
But in many cases couples who are struggling forget to or else have little time to.
Or after a while it can be left by the wayside.
That has to change if you want to save your couple.
It could be anything you both enjoy a cooking class.
Or a trip white water rafting.
But it is essential for the couple to bond again beyond the bedroom.
To just enjoy each others company having what you consider as fun.
It can be effective in countering the drudge of daily life that we can all be subject to.
It reminds you of the reasons you got and still are together.
Why you first got together and how much their company means to you.
To save your couple forgive each other.
Our relationships are breeding grounds for unreal expectations.
We can start off basking in the glow of a love that could set the world alight.
Then it can peter out into something that could not spark the light of a match.
Expectations when they are not shared can be the road to ruin.
As they fail to be met, disappointment sets in.
Making everything within the relationship seem to sour.
So reign in expectations to reasonable and shared ones.
Remember that to err is human and to forgive is divine.
And that the quest for perfection is another road to ruin.
Especially in relationship terms.
Mistakes will be made just don’t go taking them personally.
They are not intentionally done to cause pain and suffering.
Well most of the time.
Forgiveness means that you do not hold a grudge.
About some real or perceived misgiving.
It means having less resentment to carry around and that is the healthier option.
This does not mean that you have to embrace martyrdom, to forget and forgive.
It’s important to know and remember your limits and your worth.
Ask yourself these questions: is this person worth my forgiveness? Is this worth another chance?
It is important to remember that there some things which may be unforgivable.
Like abuse, betrayal and infidelity.
Set boundaries with each other.
Make fully clear to your partner what kind of behavior you will,
or will not put up with.
But don’t do this in the middle of a fight or while drinking alcohol.
If your partner acts in a way you won’t put up with or makes a hurtful remark.
Point out that the comment or action was hurtful, and that you don’t want them to repeat it.
Keep the volume of your voice low, and use a kind tone.
If, on the other hand, your partner tends to become aggressive or hurtful when drinking.
Then they have a serious problem, which needs to be addressed.
You can help, but don’t bring up your concerns while your significant other is drinking
and being rude.
Wait until they are sober and calm, and then express your concerns as calmly as possible.
Antoine Peytavin, fondateur du site jerecuperemonex.com