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My husband wants to divorce : the 3 P's to solve this issue


Divorce and having to move are the top two most stressful things you can do in your life.

And if you have lived together well then it is likely that you will have to do both.

So you say my husband wants to divorce does it come as a shock?

Or is it a case of my husband wants to divorce and i do too.

 

My husband wants to divorce you say  the 3 P’s can help to solve this issue.

There are many more P’s that can be included to help with the solution.

But these three are main headings under which there are others.

 

The main headings are Patience Process and Persistence.

Patience not to rush panic and make the situation worse.

Process the issues that caused this situation.

And Persistence to work through the difficulties that you will be faced with.

 

Marriage is like any other partnership it takes work and lots of it.

It takes open and honest communication and likewise lots of it.

Sometimes they work out, sometimes they do not .

Sometimes if you say my husband wants to divorce it could be just a cry for help.

Help, that somewhere along the way in the relationship it got lost.

And as an alarm bell to draw attention to the problem that need fixing.

 

Asking for divorce can be a means to highlight that issue.

That does not mean it will not happen or that your husband is not serious.

Just because he is asking for divorce does not mean it is a request.

Or even that he wants your permission.

That is just not the case.

Sure the documents require your signature.

But if you don’t sign just means that it will take longer to process.

 

So the idea that sticking your head in the sand.

Ignoring the whole thing in the hope that it will all go away.

Just is not going to do you any good what so ever.

 

What should I do if my husband wants to divorce ?

 

First off be Patient and prepare for action.

Don’t rush and panic it does not help the situation.

The worst thing you can do at this point is to beg your spouse to stay.

Any attempts to beg or plead will have the opposite effect.

To what you think that they should have.

 

In your panic, you may be crying and pleading for them to change their mind.  

You may be promising to change everything about yourself they don’t like.  

But this isn’t appealing.  It comes across as pathetic desperate and needy.

Not a good look for you to present at this point.

Especially as your partner is already tiring of the way things are.

 

If your spouse says they want out,

they may have been mentally preparing themselves for a long time…often years.

Their response to your begging is probably going to be “too little too late”.

 

Process why my husband wants to divorce

 

Secondly you need to do some Processing.

Find potential issues that could have contributed to this situation.

Stop doing any things that may be making the situation worse.

If you have been having affairs, stop.

If you have been critical and complaining.  stop.

If you have been blowing up and losing your temper, stop.

If your response to reading this is “But what about when he does……” whatever.

 

Put focus on the issues not who is to blame

 

Fix your focus back on saving the marriage solely, not on who is at fault.

This is not the time to get angry and start blaming.

If you want to save your marriage,

you better be prepared to focus only on how you contributed to the breakup…for now.

 

My husband wants to divorce take the pressure off

 

Stop putting Pressure on your spouse.

It is likely you are asking your spouse to try “one more time”.  

You are probably asking them to go to counseling.

If you suspect your spouse is having an affair,

you may be spying or tracking their social media.  Stop!

If your goal is to save your marriage,

you are going to have to back off all the places you are pressing.

Pressure not matter how well intended on you husband will not work for you now.

 

Process the reasons Why my husband wants to divorce

 

Understand how your behavior has affected your spouse & caused them to want a divorce.

This is key to change his thinking about the problems in the marriage.

Change needs to happen and if you want to save your marriage, then show you can.

Lead by example show you are willing and able to do what is necessary.

Again, I caution you to avoid blaming.  

It is never entirely your fault when a marriage goes wrong,

but your objective isn’t to be proven right.

 

It is to save your marriage you must remember that.

At some point, you have said or done things that have been hurtful to your spouse.  

It’s time to own up to it and own it.

 

If you show true understanding of your part in the decline of the marriage.

And then make amends this will show him hope.

Hope that change is possible and things can get better.

It is very likely that, that is a very great contributor to this situation.

The fact that he has seen things deteriorate

and doesn’t hold out hope that things can or will get better.

Show them they can and will give them hope.

 

Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes as much as possible.  

What did they experience when you behaved the way you did?  

Focus on their pain and loneliness.

Talk to a counselor or coach who can help you get a better understanding.

Of your actions and their consequences.

 

10 possible reasons why my husband wants to divorce

 

  • Lack of communication. This is one of the major reasons why divorce happens.
  • Finances.
  • Feeling constrained.
  • Trust.
  • Expectations from each other.
  • Your spouse doesn’t understand or fulfill your needs and desires.
  • Quick change in lifestyle.
  • Insecurity.

 

Coping with separation and divorce

 

Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings.

Give yourself a break.

Don’t go through this alone.

Take care of yourself emotionally and physically.

Avoid power struggles and arguments with your spouse or former spouse.

Take time to explore your interests.

Think Positively.

 

My husband wants to divorce and I don’t

 

  1.     Prepare for action

 

If you are serious about wanting to stop a divorce,

as soon as possible, soothe the panic.

Skip the moping, and make a Plan of action.

The steps below will guide you to a strong start.

 

  1.    Smother the urge to play victim

 

“How could you do this to me?” may express how you feel,

but it’s likely to be a loser strategy for regaining your spouse’s affection.  

Guilting your partner into returning will just win back,

if it wins anything, a depressed “I hate being here again” spouse.

Not a good way to stop a divorce it is really only a delay tactic.

 

To skip the “Poor me,”  flip to “Proud me.”

Remind yourself of the Positive qualities you can bring to a marriage,

and figure out how to show them in their full colors.  

Pretty soon you will start believing in yourself more.

 

Notice that I said “show,” not “show and tell.”  

Let your actions speak louder than words.  

Save your words for appreciation of him, not for comments about yourself.  

Flattery will get you everywhere.  Self praise is a turn off.

 

My husband wants to divorce Stay Positive

 

Speaking of appreciation, strong people give out lots of Positivity.  

Smile at your almost ex.  

Laugh at the almost  ex’s jokes.  

Express affection towards him.  

Share your gratitude for good things your spouse has done.

 

  1.     Clarify what you need to change

 

Make a list of all the negative comments that your spouse has made to you.

That now, with hindsight, you can see were attempts to stop a divorce.  

List all the complaints, criticisms and angry comments you can recall

That you probably see now were about causes for the current divorce attempt.

 

Check out the list with your almost ex.  

Be sure you left no criticisms out.  

At the same time, keep your tone strong,

do it as if you are just checking the list you are bringing to the supermarket.

Do it as matter of fact as you can without bringing emotion into it.  

No victim plays and no groveling either.

 

Once you have your list, think back to your family of origin.  

From your Mom?  Your Dad? An older sibling?

The more effectively you can identify where in growing up you might have learned that mistake,

the more effectively you will be able to let go of the mistake.

And replace that habit with a far better one.

 

Then map a Plan of action for fixing each and every item on your list.

 

  1.     Look your best

 

Appearance can be a huge factor in the odds of success in stopping a divorce.

 

Lose weight.  Rethink your hairstyle.  

Pay attention to the clothes you’ve been wearing.

Consider throwing out those unflattering baggy sweat pants and outdated shoes.  

Picture instead how you would dress if you were to look strikingly attractive.  

Figure out how to make that your new personal style.  

 

  1.     Clean up all the old hurts

 

Find out what resentments and hurt feelings your spouse carries

that may have been factors that led to filing for a divorce.  

Write out a list of all the moments that your ex recalls with anger or bitterness.  

Create your own list as well.

 

Then go through each item on the list together, one by one, to “find the mis.”

That means each of you needs to look for your own part

in the misunderstanding, misconceptions, mistakes etc.  

No one gets to comment on what the other did that was problematic.  

 

Just aim to understand what you did that inadvertently contributed to the problem.  

Apologize for it.  

Then figure out what in the future you can do differently to prevent any repeats.

Mistakes are for learning.  

If your marriage is rocky now,

you probably haven’t been doing enough earning from your mistakes.

 

  1.     Believe in yourself stay Positive and Persistent

 

To keep up your morale as you plow ahead with your steps to stop a divorce,

think about the proverbial little engine that could,

whose mantra became “I think I can, I think I can.”  

Treasure this mantra, and say it to yourself multiple times a day.

 

Stay Positive and Persistent Perpetually

 

If deep down you believe that you don’t deserve to be loved,

you need to change that.

 

Use “temporal tapping,” a technique for changing self defeating negative beliefs.  

With the three longest fingers of your right hand, tap in a circle around your right ear.  

Tap from front to back, down and around back up, completing a circle, for as many as 10 circles.  

As you tap, say aloud,

“I deserve to be loved.  I am lovable. I deserve to be loved. I am lovable. etc….”

 

Temporal tapping reprograms your brain,

replacing negative beliefs about yourself  with Positive ones.

Recite your mantra and do your tapping multiple times.

With your new self belief multiple times each day,

as often as possible until your determination

and self confidence feels strong enough to rely on them.

 

  1.     Learn the skills to be good at marriage 

 

You wouldn’t expect to walk into a courtroom to conduct a trial.

Without first learning the skills of a lawyer.  

Yet how much training did you get for the job of spouse?  

Probably very little, even though the skills you need to succeed at the job

take most people significant training to do successfully.

 

Learn the four skill sets essential for sustaining a loving relationship:

 

1) talking together calmly cooperatively

2) making win win decisions together

3) prevent anger from spoiling your relationship

4) pumping up the Positivity you emanate to each other.

 

Self help blog posts and books or an online course can help get you there.

Sometimes a couples counselor can also be a reliable mentor.

But pick carefully to be sure the one you choose can teach you the skills you need.

 

Antoine Peytavin, fondateur du site jerecuperemonex.com

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