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My ex is ignoring me : why is my ex avoiding me ?

my ex is ignoring meIt has been days, weeks, maybe even months since the breakup and now my ex is ignoring me, and I want to know the reason why.  It is unfair to cut off all contact and simply ignore me after we were together for such a long time and I have every right to know why they are avoiding me.  My ex won’t answer my calls or reply to my texts and emails.  I have tried to see them in person and they simply avoided seeing me.  My ex is ignoring me, and I want to know why.  What are the possible reasons why an ex might ignore you?

Why does it bother me so much that my ex is ignoring me?

Before you even consider the reasons why your ex is ignoring you, you should think about your own role and consider why it bothers you so much that your ex won’t answer your calls: after all, you’re broken up, and it’s completely natural that your ex doesn’t want to see or speak to you.

Do you still have feelings for your ex?

You may be having some difficulty accepting the breakup, especially if your ex was the one who dumped you, and you want to contact your ex at all times of the day and night because you still have feelings for them.  You’re missing them and regretting the breakup, and while your ex is dealing with the breakup by putting some time and distance between you, you don’t want this because you’re not ready to move on, because you still love your ex.

Do you feel guilty?

On the other hand, if you were the one to break up with your ex and they didn’t take it well at the time, you may be so concerned that your ex isn’t contacting you because you’re feeling guilty.  You’re afraid that you may have really hurt your ex and you just want them to call you and let you know that they’re doing okay; but you should accept that it is not your place to worry about your ex any more.  You should give them some space and allow them to contact you in their own time.

Do you want to get them back?

No matter who dumped who, are you now looking back at the breakup, regretting it and thinking it was a mistake?  Are you wishing you could go back in time and change what happened?  If it is bothering you that your ex is not contacting you, it may be because you want to get them back and you’re afraid that their avoiding you means they’re moving on or that they don’t ever want to see you again.

Did you and your ex agree to stay in contact?

“My ex is ignoring me” isn’t exactly unusual after most breakups, so is there some good reason why you thought you and your ex were going to stay in contact, perhaps be friends?  Did you and your ex actually agree after the breakup to stay in contact with one another or is this just how you thought it would be in your head without actually consulting your ex?  Most exes don’t stay in contact, so unless you and your ex both agreed that you wanted to stay in touch, there is nothing unusual about this situation.  There is nothing to worry about when your ex is avoiding you because this is a general, common reaction to a breakup.

Why is my ex ignoring me?

Although it is completely normal for an ex to be distant and not want to contact you after the breakup, here are some of the most common reasons why an ex will ignore you or avoid your calls after a breakup.

Your ex is still hurting

my ex is avoiding meIt’s possible that your ex is still hurting after the breakup, especially if you were the one to end it and they didn’t particularly agree with your decision.  The breakup was tough for them and they need some time and space away from you to recover, which means they are doing their best to avoid seeing or speaking to you because they’re trying to avoid causing themselves any more pain than they’re already feeling.  They recognise that they are not emotionally ready to face you, that they cannot yet look at you and see you as a friend or past lover.  They are still dealing with their pain over the breakup and they just need some time to recover, and seeing you at this time will only add fuel to the fire.  Once they have had this time, they may feel more up to facing you, and will return your calls.

Your ex is playing games

It’s possible that your ex is playing mind games with you.  If they are still bitter or resentful over the breakup, then they might be trying to manipulate you into calling, feeling guilty or worried, and taking them back.  While in most cases this is unlikely, in some relationships where your ex was always rather dominant and manipulative, it can be the case.  Don’t fall into this trap.  That relationship was clearly not healthy; don’t let your concern that “my ex is ignoring me” drag you back into a relationship that you had a very good reason to end.

Your ex wants you to contact them

Have you tried contacting your ex?  You can’t complain that your ex is ignoring you if you haven’t tried to get in contact and are just saying that because your ex hasn’t called you.  It’s possible that your ex doesn’t know how to react to the breakup; they are unsure whether you want to stay in touch and don’t know if it is okay for them to contact you, so they’re waiting for you to call them first.  Call your ex, and if they don’t answer after trying on a couple of different occasions, then you can consider other reasons for your ex to be avoiding you.

Your ex is trying to get you back

If it seems like your ex is ignoring you, it is possible that they’re trying to initiate a period of no contact or radio silence to get you back.  You are missing them and constantly thinking “my ex is ignoring me” and wanting to know why, and this is because your ex is making you think about them.  In this case, your ex is deliberately trying to make you curious and wonder why they haven’t answered your calls or been in contact.  Your ex may be trying to ignore you in order to get you back.

Your ex still has feelings for you

While you’re complaining that your ex is ignoring you, your ex is doing their best to move on.  The breakup was very difficult for your ex and they are finding it very difficult to move on because while you’re still in their life, they can’t help but still be in love with you.  Your ex still has strong feelings for you and that is exactly why they are ignoring you.  It is not to hurt you, but rather to lessen their own pain.  They are ignoring you in the hope that distancing him/herself from you will make it easier to forget about you and their feelings for you and make it easier to move on with their life.

Your ex is punishing you

It is possible that your ex is trying to punish you, either for breaking up with them or for something else you did wrong in your relationship or after the breakup.  In this case your ex obviously still harbours some anger or resentment towards you, and is trying to make you paranoid by worrying that “my ex is ignoring me”.  Your ex may be deliberately trying to hurt you by not contacting you because they know how close you were and how much you relied on each other, and is punishing you by withdrawing the unconditional support they would have provided you with if you were still together.

Your ex is overwhelmed

How often have you been texting your ex?  How many times did you try to call them yesterday?  How much time did you give them to return your call before you tried again?  Is it possible that you’ve gone a little crazy with your attempts to contact your ex since the breakup?  If you’ve been texting them every day, calling them constantly, leaving angry messages on their voicemail and calling them again as soon as you’ve finished leaving the last message, it’s likely that they’re not picking up or calling back because they’re a little overwhelmed and scared of you right now.  Give your ex a chance to catch their breath after the breakup and don’t suffocate them with calls and texts or accuse them of ignoring you before they’ve even had a chance to return your call.  Calm down a little.

Your ex has moved on

Perhaps my ex is ignoring me because they have moved on.  Your relationship ended, and your ex has decided to move on and get past that.  They have decided to leave you and your relationship in the past where it belongs.  Your ex has moved on.  They are trying to get on with their life and start seeing other people and focus on other things, and they are ignoring you because talking to you is like holding on to the past, and they realise that in order to move on with their life, they have to cut off contact with you.  Your ex is ignoring you because they have moved on, and you are no longer a part of their life.

Your ex is seeing someone else

why is my ex not contacting meIf you agreed to stay in contact after the breakup or had been in contact for a while before your ex suddenly started ignoring you, your ex may be ignoring you now because they have started seeing someone else.  Even if you were in contact before, you can’t blame your ex for cutting that off now.  They are moving on, and it’s much more difficult to start a relationship with someone new while your ex is still looking over your shoulder.  Moreover, if your ex is seeing someone new, they have to take into account their new partner’s feelings, and their new partner probably wouldn’t be ecstatic to find out that they were still in contact with their ex.  Your ex is ignoring you because they are moving on and seeing someone else, and you just have to accept that.

What should I do when my ex is ignoring me?

While you can now identify the reason why your ex is ignoring you, this hasn’t really solved your problem. The question you should be asking is “my ex is ignoring me, so what can I do about it?”  The answer is simple, but you’re probably not going to like it.

Accept it

If your ex is ignoring you, they obviously don’t want to stay in touch with you, whether it’s because it causes them pain to hear your voice and know you’re moving on without them or because they’re still angry or bitter over the breakup.  The only thing you can do is accept your ex’s decision on this matter.  Contact is a two-way street, and you only make yourself look pathetic by calling your ex and talking to their answering machine constantly.

Give your ex some space

You never know; your ex cutting off contact may only be temporary; they may have every intention of getting back in contact with you after they’ve had some time to cool off and recover from the breakup.  Give your ex the time and space that they need to recover, to deal with any emotions left over from the breakup and to begin to heal and move on.  If you don’t give them this space before you re-establish contact with them, they’re still going to have feelings for you and struggle to get past the breakup.

Decide if you should get back in contact

After you’ve given your ex a few weeks to get over the breakup and recover, you can consider whether you still want to get back in contact.  You’ve gone without talking to your ex for a few weeks already, so you may start to believe that it’s better for you both not to bring up all the pain of the breakup again by re-establishing contact.  You’re both clearly doing okay apart, so perhaps you should just let it stay that way.

However, if you still want to get back in contact with your ex, stop complaining that your ex is ignoring you, give them some time and space to get over the breakup, and then when a sufficient amount of time has passed, call them again.  If your ex wants to talk to you, they will answer; if not, then you just have to accept their decision.


Antoine Peytavin, fondateur du site

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