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My ex is depressed : What can I do to get my ex back


The drive to bond is primal.

Disappointment when we fail to connect is virtually guaranteed.

Separation from  a loved one is among the most stressful of experiences.

To those with a predisposition to depression a breakup can mean serious issues.

My ex is depressed what can I do?

 

The symptoms of depression exist on a spectrum.

All of them are normal human experiences.

But in depression they’re intensified that is what happens when my ex is depressed.

Not everyone who has depression will have a formal diagnosis.

So knowing what to watch out for can help to make sense of the changes you might notice.

 

Depression, including sentimental depression, is a pathological condition.

In which the person exhibits a drop in their morale, a loss of faith in the future.

And profound sadness that may even result in physical repercussions.

 

It can affect us all, and the causes behind it are numerous.

Some men and women experience this as a result of the current state of our world.

And others are buried beneath their work and they can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Some people have problems at home with their family, others maybe had a difficult childhood.

Maybe a loved one passed away, or maybe the person has just split from their significant other.

 

My ex is depressed, am I the cause?

It’s important to note that the sole reason may not just be your breakup.

But multiple, external  or even historical circumstances.

And in that respect you can not and should not take sole responsibility.

For the cause of those issues upon yourself.

And if you are saying my ex is depressed and I want them back.

One question that has got to be asked is why ?

Obviously it was a failed romance as you split up.

Is it prompted by guilt or love ?

How do you see it working out for you?

Do you think it is what they want?

 

My ex is depressed : it affects self esteem

Even the tiniest of slights can rile our emotions and send our self-esteem into a tailspin.

In part, self-esteem reflects who we are intrinsically.

But it is also a barometer of our standing with others.

Research has found that social self-esteem neatly rises with any inkling of acceptance

« Would you like to join us for lunch? » and plummets with any cut-down « I like you, as a friend ».

 

Nature has primed us with a rejection radar.

From a time when we relied on small groups of people for our survival.

This rejection radar is linear in scale with the high end of the scale finding rejection at every turn.

Every ambiguous line is a rejection to the high end scale.

A jittery rejection-detection radar zeroes in on empty threats.

Creating needless anxiety and groundless jealousy.

 

Unfortunately, those at the high end of the rejection-sensitivity scale.

Pay a particularly steep price just for wanting to belong.

Their overwrought responses to slights.

May even have the unintended effect of bringing about what they fear most.

And although such pain may be borne privately, it has public repercussions.

And it has a detrimental effect on relationships and those involved.

 

No one wants to be accused of abandoning a loved one at their time of greatest need.

But neither should you try to regain a strained relationship that failed once before.

A broken relationship with no future out of a sense of duty or guilt.

Or because my ex is depressed it is just not a valid reason.

Sometimes there’s nothing more you can do but say goodbye.

For the sake of your own mental health.

And looking after yourself is important never forget that.

 

My ex is depressed, but you want them to be happy

You want to be happy you want your ex to be happy.

But we can not make someone be happy.

Conventional wisdom on this says we can influence them to be happier by being happier in ourselves.

This influencing is a two way street.

So limiting your time with them is also essential for your well being.

 

If you are looking to get back with your ex because my ex is depressed.

And that you feel in some way responsible for that bout of depression by the breakup.

That will not work out for you or them.

You may become miserable in a relationship that will drain you emotionally and physically.

If you are looking to share your life with a man that’s depressed.

Or a woman that doesn’t feel good in her own skin, sooner or later, you will get tired of it.

It isn’t about being selfish, it’s about being logical.

You shouldn’t act out of emotional dependence or guilt.

Thinking that everything will be fine because you get back together is a compounded mistake.

You miss them, it means you should be together

Just because you miss someone even if a long amount of time has passed since the break up.

Does NOT automatically mean you should be together.

There were real and valid reasons why you two broke up.

What has changed to alter that fact?

Unless there has been changes chances are you will run into the same issues again.

And yes, it’s that conflict between the emotional and logical sides of your brain at work again.

When you have become attached to something, destructive or not.

When you lose it, you miss it.

This is normal, but definitely not an indication for reunion.

Or that anything has changed about the feasibility of your relationship.

Some recovered alcohol and drug addicts miss their drugs, even years later.

Missing the drug doesn’t mean they should drink or use.

 

My ex is depressed, is it my fault ?

Guilt implies you did something wrong.

Doing what is best for you is never wrong and that includes breaking up with someone.

You should never let feelings of guilt get in the way of you being you.

It should never be the reason you get back together with someone either.

It just is not the basis for starting a relationship or even less for reigniting a failed one.

Sadness, anger, and all those kinds of feelings are normal and healthy breakup fodder.

But guilt can really be a problem.

It can hold you back from making a good decision and in this case prompt you to make a bad one.

It can make you way more miserable than you need to be.

It can keep you trapped in a prison of other people’s opinions.

It’s the worst.

So forget about being judged  a jerk for a second no forget it entirely it is part of the problem.

Because you don’t need to feel guilty, and deep down, you know it.

 

Guilty feelings make it difficult to think straight.

When guilty feelings compete for your attention with the demands of work, school, and life in general.

Guilt usually wins.

 

Studies have found that concentration, productivity, creativity, and efficiency are all significantly lower.

When you are feeling actively guilty.

It is not only that guilt makes it hard to function.

But guilt makes us reluctant to enjoy life it keeps us from enjoying ourselves.

Even mild guilt can make you hesitant to embrace the joys of life.

In one study, college students were made to feel guilty and then given a choice of free items they could get for their participation.

Students who were not made to feel guilty chose movie DVDs and music downloads while guilty students chose school supplies.

Again, these students only felt mild guilt.

 

Guilty feelings might make you choose to skip a party, not celebrate your birthday.

Or mope around during your vacation without being able to really enjoy it.

But for some people, guilt can do even worse damage like self punishment.

Oftentimes, when my ex is depressed they have a tendency to withdraw into themselves.

But if you take the time to talk to your ex’s loved ones.

Who I’m sure you know, and you take the time to spend time with him or her.

You will be able to show your ex that you’re there for them.

 

Trying to help them is a noble idea and a generous one.

But you must realize that the only person who can help a depressed person is ultimately themselves.

You can be there for them.

And that is as good as it gets with regards to helping them.

But in the end of the day they have to want to get better themselves.

You can’t make them want to get better though many try and eventually fail.

You can’t make them go to therapy.

And no amount of prompting from any one will change that.

 

You might think it but are not the cause my ex is depressed.

People who are depressed may say or do things they normally wouldn’t.

And that can include making you out as part of their problem.

Their illness may cause them to lash out at others.

As a person close to the patient, you are an easy target.

Try not to take it personally. 

 

You don’t have to fix anything or change anything .

Because trying to fix or change them can make them feel even more helpless.

If there was a way to do it, they would have done it themselves by now.

Instead, acknowledge their pain, ‘I know this is really hard for you.’

And validate what they’re going through ‘I know you’re hurting.

That’s understandable given what you’re going through’.

Or ‘I know you’re fighting a tough battle right now.’

 

Be the one who can be with them without having to change them.

This will probably increase your own feelings of helplessness.

But reworking things towards a positive angle will ease your helplessness, not theirs.

The helplessness you are feeling is the bit you are doing together.

So is the pain and the confusion of that.

That is what will make your love unconditional.

And the support you give something exceptional and extraordinary.

 

You can offer them the support through just being there as a friend.

And being a good listener.

And you can suggest a physical activity to do together.

Like going for a run together or a walk, getting groceries, or visiting a museum.

All of these are good ways to get your ex out of the house.

And take them out of themselves at least for some time.

So that they don’t stay cooped up indoors feeling miserable.

 

Physical activity can help deal with negative thoughts and bouts of depression.

Your ex will probably resist or flat out say no, but you shouldn’t give up.

And this is where the role of their loved ones comes in share your concerns with them.

 

Maybe your ex does not seem to be aware of their mood lately.

But after weeks of observing you can be confident they are struggling with depression.

Go to them in a non-confrontational way and ask to talk about their situation.

Some ways to start a conversation may include:

« I have been feeling concerned about you over the past few weeks ».

Or « I’ve noticed some differences in your behavior lately, and I want you to tell me about it. »

If there is tension between you and your ex, refrain from bringing up the notion of their depression.

This could come off as accusatory and cause them to shut down.

 

Depression rarely takes hold of just one person.

When depression settles into someone, helplessness, fear and sadness bleed through the walls.

It builds around that person and into the lives of those who love them and surround them.

It’s exhausting for everyone so taking care of yourself is important not to forget.

There is always a way through depression, but it takes an almighty fight.

You won’t always have it in you to fight alongside them.

And you won’t always know what to do but that’s okay.

You don’t have to do any of that to fight for them.

Few things are as powerful as human connection.

And anything you can do to nurture.

That will help to put back what depression strips away.

 

Antoine Peytavin, fondateur du site jerecuperemonex.com

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