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My ex hates me: how to change his mind


my ex hates meOften after a breakup, one or both of the parties are left with feelings of anger, hurt, disappointment or animosity towards their ex, especially if the breakup was the decision of one and was a shock for the other.  These negative feelings all come down to one thing: my ex hates me.  For whatever reason, my ex hates me, and I don’t know what to do about this.  We were together for a long time and I would like to go back to being friends, or maybe we have mutual friends and I would like to be civil to my ex so that things aren’t awkward.  Perhaps I would like to get back together with my ex, or perhaps I would just like to move forward knowing that my ex is doing alright.  But my ex hates me, so how can I change his mind?

My ex hates me, but why ?

If you believe your ex hates you or he has made it clear that he hates you, you should consider why this might be.  How did your relationship end?  Was it your choice or his?  Did you possibly do something to really hurt your ex?  But perhaps the relationship ended quite amicably and you can’t understand why your ex can no longer bear to be around you.  Here are some of the most common reasons why your ex might hate you.

A coping mechanism

It’s possible that my ex hates me because it is his way of dealing with the end of the relationship.  Even if the relationship ended on good terms, it may be possible that your ex is now struggling with the breakup, and hating you is in actual fact not much to do with you at all, but rather your ex is trying to convince himself that he hates you so that it’s easier for him to move on and stop looking back at the relationship and regretting the breakup.

No matter how the relationship ended, it is possible that your ex hates you because he’s blaming you for the end of the relationship, and it may be that he is blaming you for the breakup because it is simply easier than accepting any responsibility for it.  If your ex can blame you, he can tell himself that he is blameless, and therefore there was nothing he could do.  He hates you because he lost you and he regrets it.

Some contact is better than none

My ex hates me because he’s missing me.  You and your ex were together for a long time, and the sudden distance between you and the consequential lack of contact is very difficult for you both.  It is very possible that your ex is dealing with that sudden separation by screaming, shouting, hurling abusive insults at you, because having that small amount of contact, no matter how hurtful and brief, makes the breakup just a little bit easier for him.  It’s likely that your ex is hurting you this way because he believes, consciously or unconsciously, that some small amount of contact is better than no contact at all.  He may be acting this way simply because he wants to see you.

He wants to hurt you

My ex hates me and tells me so because he wants to hurt me.  This is particularly applicable if you were the one who chose to break up with your ex and he didn’t agree with the decision, or if you did something to hurt him at the end of the relationship.  It’s possible that he feels betrayed by you, especially if you were unfaithful or untruthful with him and this feeling of hurt or betrayal is leading him to lash out at you in revenge or a sense of justice.  It may be that he doesn’t really hate you; he is probably just trying to hurt you because you hurt him.  He wants to make you feel the pain that he is feeling right now.

Jealousy

My ex hates me and is trying to hurt me because he feels jealous.  Perhaps you ended the relationship and now he is jealous because you’re moving on without him.  Or maybe he ended the relationship and now he is jealous because you are doing better and moving on faster than he is.  Perhaps his ego is hurt because you aren’t sitting at home crying your eyes out and eating your feelings because he broke up with you.  It’s possible that your ex hates you because he is jealous that you are coping with the end of your relationship better than he is.  If you’ve started seeing someone new since the breakup and he hasn’t, he may be envious.  Sometimes it’s rather unfair of him to lash out at you because of this, especially if he was the one who ended the relationship.  In this case, you most certainly do not deserve his hate, but you can still change his mind.

How to change his mind

despise meContradict what he thinks of you

If you want to change his mind, you need to find a way to contradict all the things that he’s been thinking or saying about you.  Don’t play into his hands when he tells your mutual friends you’re short-tempered and mean by calling him up to yell at him while he’s out with them.  Don’t let it get to you, and instead of getting angry, remain calm, and show him and everybody else through your words and actions that he’s wrong.

Be empathetic

Try to understand how your ex is feeling and why he might feel this way.  Understand that he is lashing out at you because he was hurt by your breakup and doesn’t know how else to react.  You could even attempt to call him or meet him face to face and have a private conversation with him.  Tell him that you understand that he is angry or hurt, and you’re sorry for that and you sympathize with him, but you would appreciate it if he could stop spreading rumors and saying hurtful things about you.  He has every right to feel this way but you would like to remember your relationship fondly and you don’t have any animosity towards him so you would appreciate it if he could tone down his hate.  Even if he refuses or is outright horrible about it, at least you have tried to be empathetic towards him.

Give him closure

Having a talk with your ex may give him some closure on your relationship.  He may be confused as to where he went wrong or why you ended the relationship, so giving him some closure may put an end to his hatred towards you.  Sit down with him and explain that your feelings changed, or that you didn’t mean to hurt him, or what your reasons were for ending the relationship.  If he can understand why it ended and come to terms with it, it will give him the closure he needs to move on from you.

Make peace

Do what you can to make peace with your ex.  If the relationship ended in a messy breakup, have a conversation with your ex, and even though there may be no love lost between the two of you, get everything out in the open, apologize for anything you’ve done wrong, tell him you would like it if you and he could be civil towards one another and make peace with him.  Rise above his insults and hatred, and contradict the reaction that he thinks you will have.  Prove that he is wrong about you to change his mind.

Refuse to fight fire with fire

My ex hates me, he is spreading rumors about me, calling me in the middle of the night to tell me what a scheming liar I am, shouting insults at me when we’re anywhere near one another and telling everyone I know every private thought or feeling I’ve ever had…  Don’t let yourself be baited.  Keep your head held high and refuse to fight fire with fire.  Be the bigger person.

Avoid your ex

It may be that the only thing that will really change your ex’s opinion of you is giving him some time and space to cool down and get over the breakup.  He can’t move on when he sees you every day and his hurt and anger flares up all over again, so avoid him for a little while.  Don’t go to outings or parties with mutual friends when you know he’ll be there and don’t answer his calls or texts.  It’s possible that he just needs to hate you for a little while, just until he can calm down and come out the other side of the breakup, and until that time comes, it’s better for you to stay out of his way.

Don’t bring up sensitive subjects

If you are still spending time with your ex, don’t bring up sensitive subjects in conversation, like the breakup or the new person you’re seeing.  These are potential sore spots for your ex and will make the situation much worse.  It will be much easier to encourage him to stop hating you if you’re not rubbing his nose in your new relationship and happiness.

Don’t talk behind his back

No matter how much he is talking about you behind your back, don’t do the same.  Don’t even tell your friends that you feel sorry for him; this will make him hate you a lot more.  Avoid talking about your ex with anyone else at all; your breakup and your ex’s feelings about it are nobody else’s business, and your ex will be further enraged if he finds out you’ve been talking behind his back.

Apologise

change his mindIf I don’t want my ex to hate me, I need to consider why he might hate me… Perhaps your ex might have reason to hate you, maybe one of the reasons suggested in this article.  If you hurt him during the relationship or by breaking up with him you need to recognise this and understand what he might be feeling.

What did you do wrong?

If the reason why your ex hates you is not immediately clear to you, you need to reflect on the relationship and breakup and what you might have done wrong.  Did you cheat?  Did you lie?  Did you seriously wound your ex’s pride by breaking up with him?  If you want your ex to stop hating you, you first need to identify the reason why he hates you.

Acknowledge your mistakes

While you may not shoulder all the blame for the breakup, you should recognise and acknowledge whatever it was that you did wrong.  Talk to your ex and tell him that you know what you did was wrong and then apologise for it.  Say you’re sorry for betraying or hurting him, and by doing this you’ll also be giving him closure.  If you don’t apologise for your mistakes, he cannot start to forgive you, which is one of the reasons why he hates you.  Apologise so he can forgive you and move on with his life.

Even if my ex hates me, I stop caring

If and when you have done everything you can think of to apologise to your ex and change his mind, and he still hates you, you need to stop worrying about what he thinks.  Stop moaning that “my ex hates me”.  If you have done everything in your power to persuade him otherwise and he still can’t forgive you and move on, you need to accept that it’s no longer your problem.  It might be impossible to change your ex’s mind, especially so soon after the breakup when his feelings are still so raw.

My ex hates me so I need to accept what I cannot change and let it go.  If your ex wants to spend the rest of his life glowering in anger and bitterly hating you, that’s up to him; just as it’s up to you to know when it’s time to give up and just accept that you cannot change the way your ex feels about you.  In the end, living with anger and hatred in your heart hurts you much worse than the person you hate.

Antoine Peytavin, fondateur du site jerecuperemonex.com

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