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My ex got married : How to overcome this situation ?


So you say « my ex is got married ». So what?

You weren’t happy with them and you did break up.

You may have found someone else, so did they.

That is the end of that story, or that is how it should be.

Well it is never quite that easy when you hear “my ex got married”.


Hearing that your old flame has just tied the knot or is about to.

Can unleash a flood of complex and confusing emotions.

All of a sudden you are thinking about them again.

And thinking about them a lot. 

That chapter of your life is ripped back open, and you seem to be  right in the middle of it.

It usually isn’t the reality or the whole truth but it can feel very much like that.

 

It is something about knowing that they’ve chosen a life partner to marry and it wasn’t you they chose.

It can and does affect you in a strange way.

After all, it’s one thing for you to move on and fall in love again.

But it is quite another for them to do the same.

 

It can kick off an obsession similar to when you first broke up.

You can indulge in denial.

They will never make it to the altar.

They are not right for each other.

It will never happen.

My ex got married, give it two years and they will be filling for divorce.

 

Once it starts to sink in that this wedding is actually happening, or has happened.

You will start obsessing over their partner.

You’ll start investigating them, comparing yourself to them.

Is the new partner better than me ?

What makes them marriage material and not me ?

Why my ex got married to them and not me?

 

Thinking about all the ways you are different and the same.

You see this person with horns coming out of their head, though it could be just that curly hair.

But it can feel like their sole purpose in life was to ruin yours but it is not the true.

 

If you’re still not over your ex and it does seem that way.

Even if you thought you were.

It is okay to be a little jealous or even a little sad.

It shows that the feeling is still there.

But you knew you would one day have to face the fact.

The fact that you and your ex weren’t able to work things out.

He or she still deserves to be happy.

The sooner you come to terms with this, the better.

 

Take consolation from the fact that you should not feel this way for long.

Once the wedding has taken place and it is over and done with.

Your emotions should return to normal, hopefully.

Although don’t be surprised if the same irrational feelings flare up again at a later date.

 

It is all for the best.

You could try convince yourself that it’s all good.

And that you are OK with it and that you are happy for them.

If you really are all well and good.

You can get on with your life, but you are no doubt still curious.

You’re still looking at pictures from their wedding and honeymoon.

And trying to read posts from their friends.

Trying to get an idea of what their relationship and life is like.

Who are you kidding your words don’t sync up or gel with your feelings.

 

Give yourself more time to get over it.

Take a break and do something nice for yourself.

Take a weekend away or have a spa treatment, indulge yourself.

Sometimes a little distraction is all it takes to take your mind off “my ex got married”

 

My ex got married You could Rise to the occasion if you are up to it

 

By choosing a ‘Congratulations on your Nuptials ‘ card, writing a warm, friendly message inside.

Of course sending a card after the wedding, regardless of the message, can be a little sarcastic.

It does not have to be sent.

You could send it out to sea in an empty bottle of chardonnay or rum if that suits your taste.

The fact of writing it can be an aid to realise the finality and deal with the denial of the whole event.

 

If however you get the guts and the notice to post it prior to the wedding.

Sending it off  to your ex can make you feel a whole lot better.

And it can go a long way to attaining some closure on the subject.

The fact that you got above the childish feelings.

The feelings of ‘we were not meant to be, but they were not meant to be happy with someone else’.

And to wish them well will help you get things in perspective.

 

If you’re in regular contact with your ex because you have children together or move in the same social circles.

It is best to put on a brave face and congratulate them in person.

Make it short and sweet don’t linger on the topic move on and away from the subject.

 

The only time it’s best to leave well alone is if you haven’t seen them for a long time.

Or if the split was acrimonious and difficult.

In these circumstances, making contact could actually make you feel worse.

Try to leave things as they are in the past and focus on your current relationship.

 

My ex got married : some Do’s and Don’ts

Do not follow them on social media

This is a hard one for anyone to do.

Who am I kidding?

It is nearly impossible to do in this day and age with the technology at hand or on the wrist.

If you can’t bear regular reminders that my ex got married or the photos of the ceremony.

Or the countdown to the big day, get them off your news feed for a while.

 

It’s normal to not be friends with people with people who may not be friends anymore.

No one will judge you or think any less of you for this one, it is acceptable.

You’re not expected to put on a brave face whenever you see them making a show of their nuptials.

Ehh gross but seriously !

 

It is even less likely that you to have to like every post.

So best thing for you at this moment is not to spend time looking at their feeds right now.

And you probably also wouldn’t want to see the actual wedding photographs.

Posts about finding the perfect invitations or the ideal theme.

What the flowers were like, what was on the menu for the meal.  

Drunk dancers at the reception.

Them at the airport jetting off to sun on their honeymoon.

It could be like post overkill or enough to make you go postal.

Be patient with yourself give it time to get over it.

 

At least until you’ve had the time to fully accept the news and get over it completely.

Give it a few months, plus another extra month for when the official wedding photos come out.

And then you can if you really need to, go back to following your ex.

That is, if you still remember them.

By this time they could showing ultrasound pictures of their future offspring.

You should be well over the issue.

My ex got married : get support from friends

 

DO tell your friends how you’re feeling.

The good the bad and the ugly.

Let you friends be your guide through this difficult time.

And let them remind you of the times they had to counsel you over the years.

Through all those bad times with your ex.

The fights that you had when you were going out together.

The times they helped you to get over breaking up.

And now once again my word they could be sick of this.

 

DO focus on your ex’s failings, list of all the reasons of why the relationship didn’t work out

It will remind you of why you are not with them anymore.

And that you did make the right decision.

You may have done this before when you were still getting over the break up with your ex.

But in light of your current situation, you may want to revisit those lists.

They are valid and painless reasons my ex got married and why you dodged that bullet.

Whether it’s being too busy with other things.

Her constant nagging or his knack for ogling other women in front of you.

Keep reminding yourself why you shouldn’t be wishing to be the one in matrimonial knots.

 

Besides, find comfort in the fact that your ex is someone else’s problem now.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Everything from their snoring to the way they put you down in front of your mates.

It will help you see the real picture why you don’t want this.

Write down all the reasons why it ended.

Add to this list as you remember different things you disliked about them.

Sometimes people start thinking if they’ve made the right choice

and remember only the good times in the relationship.

 

At the end of the day marriage is not a race.

It’s not even a valid measurement for success or happiness.

Do you have any idea how many people are still not ready to get married even if they do ?

Just take a look at divorce statistics!

Everyone gets the desire to get married at different points in their lives.

Some don’t even want to walk down the aisle at all.

Try not to make comparisons with your ex and his or her new spouse.

 

DON’T bad mouth about them and their love in public

It just makes you look bad.

If you really have to do it with a good friend who can keep it to themselves.

And then let rip, get it off your chest in private.

Once it is done remind yourself and your friend to not mention it again.

Those who are still hung up on their ex would find it hard to resist subtly mentioning negative comments about the new fiancé/fiancée.

Maybe she’s not as pretty or he has a lame job.

Whatever the case may be, bad mouthing your ex’s new love would just make you look bitter and resentful.

It would go to show you still have feelings for them.

And that you may not in reality be over them.

If you think you’re a league above your ex’s spouse, just keep it to yourself.

You wouldn’t want to invite that danger.

If the newly engaged or married couple suddenly finds out that you’ve been talking behind their backs.

 

DON’T visualize the wedding when my ex got married

For men, this might not be such a hard thing to do.

Even if they are the ones getting married.

They will probably want nothing to do with the planning, let alone thinking about someone else’s nuptials.

 

If you managed not to look at the social media feeds of the wedding.

Do not go and ruin that by imagining the whole event from start to finish.

But for women who have been dreaming of that fairy tale wedding their whole lives. 

It may be a bit trickier.

The images may already be there.

 

You might start to think of the venue, where they’ll be married.

What the bride will wear and what the motif may be.

And then, you’d start thinking of how you would do it or imagining you in the picture.

You don’t want to go down that road.

That is just a means to torture yourself and you don’t want that any more than you already have.

You don’t want to be thinking about an imaginary wedding for a bygone ex who’s not even getting married to you.

Crush that urge and distract yourself with anything that’s not even remotely related to weddings.

 

DON’T confide “my ex got married” to your current partner

By bringing up your ex, it may make your current partner feel insecure.

And they may wonder if you’ve really moved on.

It just is not worth the complications it could bring up.

Regardless how strong you think the ties are.

Don’t plant that seed of doubt it just is not worth it.

 

Antoine Peytavin, fondateur du site jerecuperemonex.com

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