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My ex doesn't talk to me : what’s the emotional abandonment psychology ?

There can be many reasons my ex doesn’t talk to me.

Especially after a painful break up.

It is only normal to have little or no contact with an ex.

For the unwilling partner it can seem like emotional abandonment.

Why is it my ex doesn’t talk to me and what is the psychology of abandonment ?




Emotional abandonment is defined as a subjective emotional state.

In which people feel undesired, left behind, insecure, or discarded.

People experiencing emotional abandonment may feel at a loss.

Cut off from a crucial source of sustenance that has been withdrawn.

It can be withdrawn either suddenly, or through a process of erosion.


The symptoms can include:

  • Intrusive, debilitating anxiety.
  • Chronic feelings of insecurity and depression.
  • Decreased self-esteem.
  • Feelings of loss of control over life.
  • Isolation.
  • Obsessive thinking and intrusive thoughts about the abandonment.


All of which are clearly felt by those suffering from a hard relationship break up.

A sense of being undesirable, insecure or discarded.

This is something anyone who has been dumped would be familiar with.

Being cut off from a crucial source of sustenance.

Withdrawn suddenly or through a process of erosion.

Very familiar to someone who says « My ex doesn’t talk to me ».

Once again that is something that sits very closely to the effects

and outcomes of a hard relationship split.


Even the symptoms are interchangeable with relationship failure.

Feelings of debilitating anxiety, insecurity, chronic depression, decreased self-esteem.

Feelings of loss of control over  ones life, self depreciation, isolation.

Obsessive thinking and intrusive thoughts about the abandonment.

This aptly describes the state of one who has been given the cold shoulder .

Or feels my ex doesn’t talk to me.


How do you overcome a fear of abandonment?


Recovering from a fear of abandonment requires finding healthy ways to cope with your anxieties.


Accepting  your emotions as your responsibility is the first step.


The first step towards finding healthy coping mechanisms,

is to take responsibility for the way you feel.

Even though your emotions might be triggered by other people’s actions.

Realize that the way you respond to them is up to you.

For example, if someone is insulting to you and it makes you mad.

You have to recognize that, even if the remark was degrading or humiliating.

You have a choice about how to react to that or any similar situation.


You could react angrily, shout at them and get sucked in to meeting like with like, cry, or storm off.

Or, rather you can remember that your well being is not dependent on the opinions of others.

Think nothing more about it, then smile and walk away.

This sounds easier than it is but once it sinks in it will become invaluable in your daily life.

It will reduce your stress levels a great deal.


This approach to overcoming emotional abandonment mirrors the recovery process,

for a relationship break up.


The first step is to accept the break up and the associated emotions.

Recognizing and accepting your emotions is a key step to moving on and recovering your balance.

Also recognizing that others opinions of you or anything else for that matter,

mean little in the end of the day unless you accept them.

This is about recovering some measure of self esteem.

Which can take a beating after a break up.

The scenario presented could be representative of the kind of things said in an argument.

Or at the heated break up.


Identify your fears.

Think about why the idea of being abandoned is so frightening to you.

Which particular scenario are you afraid of?

If you were abandoned today, what specific emotion would that generate in you?

What kind of thoughts would go through your mind?

Getting specific about your fears can help you find ways to combat them.


For example, you might fear that if your partner left you.

You would feel unlovable and might never be able to find another relationship.


This part of the recovery for emotional abandonment is also useful help in getting over a split.

Or in the scenario that my ex doesn’t talk to me.

The same kind of thoughts are sure to come up.

In the end of a relationship many people would have thoughts that they might be unlovable.

Or that they might not find someone else or another relationship.


These thoughts are usually brought on by irrational thinking and an exaggeration.

As a couple, you functioned like a mutual bio-feedback system.

Stimulating and modulating each other’s bio rhythms, responding to one another’s pheromones.

And addicting to the steady trickle of endogenous opiates induced by the relationship.

When the relationship ends, the many processes it helped to regulate go into disarray.

As the emotional and bio-physiological effects mount.

The stressful process can be heightened by the knowledge that perhaps it was not you.

But your loved one who chose withdraw from the bond.


This knowledge may cause people to interpret their intense emotional responses.

To the disconnection as evidence of weakness or a failure on their  part.

Especially when you say “My ex doesn’t talk to me” leaving you to your own thoughts.

Which at this point can be very negative thoughts on the whole.


Stop generalizing or exaggerating, practice fact checking.


When you notice your anxieties are running high,

fact checking is a useful strategy for regaining control of them.

Take a moment to distance yourself from your emotions.

And question whether your thoughts make objective rational sense.


Remember feelings are not facts.


Consider whether there could be a simpler and more straightforward explanation.

For what’s going on.


For instance, if your partner hasn’t texted you back in half an hour.

Your first reaction might be to think,

“He’s getting tired of me and doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.”

When this happens, ask yourself if that’s really the scenario that makes the most sense.

It may be more likely that he’s busy talking to someone else.

Or forgot to turn his phone off silent after a meeting.


In the case of a break up it is normal to have little or even no contact afterwards.

Some would feel the situation too painful to have that contact.

Others would just see it as the right way to achieve a clean break.

And others still could be using it as a means to exaggerate absence in order to get back together.

It is hard at this point to fact check this kind of behavior and be sure of its reasoning.

And to all intents and purposes it is best to assume the relationship is over

and to work on yourself.

Rather than building up what could be false hopes.


Besides another part of the recovery from a bad break up is to accept the break up

and to realize that there is no harm in being single.

When you have friends and family you are not alone.


Adopt a mindful approach.

Mindfulness teaches you to focus on what’s going on in the present.

Instead of what could happen in the future.

Pay attention to what you’re feeling in the moment.

And, instead of immediately acting on it or judging yourself for it.

Ask yourself why and what prompted you to feel that way.

This can help you understand your emotions better.

And know which ones to pay attention to and which ones to let go.


Meditation is a good way to get into the habit of mindfulness.

Even as little as five or ten minutes of meditation a day.

Can be very beneficial in becoming more mindful or your thoughts and emotions.


Mindfulness and meditation are great methods for analyzing the reasons that caused the split.

It helps to realize what went wrong and why.

It may even give you clues to why “My ex doesn’t talk to me”.



Identify any behaviors that push others away.

If you’re afraid of being abandoned, you might frequently act from a place of insecurity.

Calling and texting someone multiple times a day.

Asking someone to spend all their free time with you.

And accusing someone of planning to leave you are a few examples of insecure behavior.

Unfortunately, acting like this can have the unintended consequence of scaring friends

and partners away.


If these behaviors sound like you, work on finding alternative ways to manage your anxiety.

Practicing mindfulness can help you stop pushing others away.

With a mindful perspective, you can examine your motives

and choose to avoid impulsive, needy behavior.

This could be the case if my ex doesn’t talk to me.


When you feel insecure, instead of acting on the emotion, remember feelings are not facts.

Try writing a journal about why you feel that way.

Writing a journal can be very helpful in recognizing the reasons you can feel that way.

Another good option is to take a walk and think through your feelings.


In the case of break up and My ex doesn’t talk to me.

This example is something that is warned about.

As the kind of behavior that would be detrimental to its recovery or even in a relationship.

If you are considering trying to recover the relationship.

This type of action can seem normal to the person who has been dumped

and feels it was wrong and a mistake.


And in trying to get the ex back they end up seeming to harass them.

With phone calls texts or even in person.

As the advice says this usually has the opposite effect to push them away.

The advice given to those looking to get the ex back is to give them space, be patient.

My ex doesn’t talk to me leave them alone for a while.

To work on yourself and the issues that caused the break up.


Then after what is called the no contact period get in touch slowly and cautiously.

And this is a possible reason that you say “My ex doesn’t talk to me”.

They could be initiating a period of no contact.


Question the types of relationships you seek.


Many people who are afraid of being abandoned,

habitually seek out relationships with emotionally unavailable people.

If you have a history of abandonment,

you may unconsciously select partners who will act in the same way as your parents,

or previous partners.

Consider whether seeking out more emotionally available partners would help you

break the cycle of anxiety and abandonment.

If you notice unhealthy patterns in your relationships, it may be helpful to see a therapist.


This advice would be part of the mindfulness area in relationship analysis.

Digging to find causes and issues that prompted the split.

This can be useful in both recovery and in moving on.

Understanding the problems is key and essential to not making those same mistakes again.


Build a strong network of friends.

If you suffer from fear of abandonment,

you might have the tendency to focus intensely on one relationship to the exclusion of others.

Forming a strong network of friends can help you stop focusing on just one person

and provide you a sense of security.


In the aftermath of a break up this strong network of friends and family.

Would be used to buffer the loss of a partner by taking and spending time in their company.


Focus on activities that build your self esteem.

Improving your self esteem can help you become more emotionally self sufficient.

This helps to recover from and get over your fear of abandonment.

When you feel good about yourself and your abilities.

You won’t feel the same need to rely solely on others for validation or attention.

To increase your self esteem, try learning a skill like a new language or craft.

Volunteering to help others, or working on a personal project that’s important to you.


This is sound advice for post break up recovery too.

In order to fill that void left by the ex and the time you spent together.

It is advised that distractions are encouraged.

They have the effect of taking up time

and  focusing the mind on something other than the lost relationship.


Physical exercise is one of the best methods given to someone suffering from a break up.

It acts as a distraction a social outing and has numerous mental and physical health benefits.

It also boosts the immune system while also boosting the self esteem.

By making you feel better and look better.


Antoine Peytavin, fondateur du site

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