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How to get on the ring to face a love disappointment ?
Love disappointment is a tricky emotion to deal with.
Because every day can bring about new situations to be disappointed over.
And sometimes love disappointment come together at rapid speed in bunches like buses.
The proverbial « when it rains it pours » adage.
So how do you avoid love disappointment?
Time has become increasingly scarce, stress levels are high.
And this can lead to a strain on relationships in general.
You can not stop people from acting badly or letting you down.
But you don’t have to react to it or let it derail you from living a happy and successful life.
With so much advice freely available online today,
it should be that most people in the dating market,
should have been able to find the relationship they want.
Yet many people have enthusiastically studied those resources.
On how to find a quality, long-lasting relationship, and still have not been successful.
They valiantly struggle to keep their negative pasts from influencing their hopes for the future.
At least they are being optimistic that is a good thing isn’t it ?
Expectation is the root of all heartache said William Shakespeare.
And he would be right in that.
Expectations and love disappointments can go hand in hand.
Like love and marriage, a horse and carriage.
Like the song says you can’t have one without the other.
But that is not necessarily true if we are open honest with ourselves and our partners.
Sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through those same expectations.
We set up our expectations usually high the bigger they are the harder they fall.
Especially when we include others in those expectation plans.
This can be the weak point in the set up.
The perceived failure of others to live up to our expectations.
Is usually how love disappointments come about.
I would hazard a guess and suggest that they did not know,
what those expectations were.
If they did was there an agreement and an understanding about it?
Was it a positive yes or a grey area of maybe.
Because that is all part of expectations.
That you sometimes expect them to know what to expect.
Sounds like oversight to me.
The same can be said of expectations in relationships.
You might think they are clear enough to be understood.
But are they really ?
Have you sat them down and verbally explained what they are.
And then get a verbal agreement to them ?
Most of the time I would say no that is not the case.
And so the inevitable outcome is of course love disappointments.
You may also have expectations that are unrealistic in other ways.
For example, your girlfriend may give you a « maybe »
if you ask her if she wants to hang out later.
For you, a « maybe » might come off as a « probably » or « definitely. »
You may find yourself disappointed.
When your girlfriend lets you know she can’t make it that night.
Maybe your expectations are unrealistic.
Many people, especially people with busy schedules,
may simply be unable to commit some days.
You can start seeing a maybe as a maybe,
and expect that you may have to find something else to do that night.
The one thing you can’t do is to stew in negativity over love disappointment.
Like any other emotion, disappointment has a spectrum,
says licensed counselor and life coach, Monte Drenner.
« The secret to dealing with disappointment is to not let it grow into stronger emotions
like discouragement and depression, » he says.
« The longer I stew in disappointment the more likely I will allow myself to become discouraged
which is even more difficult to get through.
The longer I’m discouraged the greater the chances of getting depressed. »
Turn the emotional tables on disappointment and always look for ways to grow from it.
« Turn this negative emotion into a positive emotion like determination, » he says,
because is it a way to restore peace of mind.
Breathe your way to a clear mind.
The emotional center in our brain can take over our ability to think straight in stressful situations.
It can send stress hormones through the system of your body.
It can increase your heart rate and blood flow so that you can ‘fight or run’.
As well as narrowing your thought process at the same time.
The simple act of taking a few deep breaths will dissipate the cortisol the stress hormone.
Through oxygenating your blood and will get you back into thinking mode instead of reaction mode.
Breathing can literally help you increase feelings of well being and peace.
Remember, while we cannot always control the love disappointments that come our way.
We can seek to alleviate and counteract their impact on our daily lives.
But if the burden is too heavy to carry alone,
reach out for a friend to talk to or a professional for support.
The Ideal Relationship without love disappointment
The idea that relationships can be ideal is a bit of a myth.
They all take work and sustained work.
They also require constant and clear honest communication.
Along with the inevitable give and take of compromise.
I am sure there would be few who have arrived on a first date with a list of “requirements”.
Though that is the kind of openness and honesty that is really required.
In order for a relationship to really work out.
At least in theory, in practice it is a lot different.
Have we even done this kind of list of questions or requirements for ourselves ?
Asked questions of ourselves to find out what we really want and need from a relationship.
Before we look to fall head over heels into Love.
We might have a rough idea about what our type is like.
Perhaps we have more of an idea about what we don’t want or like in our relationships.
But beyond that is blank empty space of no man’s or no woman’s land.
Here are some potential queries that should appear on a list of questions.
- How would you describe a perfect relationship?
- What would you look like as a couple to others?
- How would you handle conflicts, crises, or disappointments together?
- What would love-making be like?
- How would you and your partner parent together?
- What about spiritual beliefs and financial commitments?
- How would the household chores be prioritized?
- If one of you were in need, how would the other respond?
These are the kinds of things that need to be known,
in order for a relationship to have sustainability.
If the answers were at least honest and open then you would at least be on the same page.
But once again I would say few beyond a professional matchmaker would have asked.
And fewer in real life or general relationships would have gone through to answering.
Similarities and love disappointment
No matter how each of your past relationships may have seemed different from one another,
there are always similarities.
Especially if you have been subject to love disappointments throughout your dating life.
There are four categories on this how my partners have been similar list.
Write as many thoughts or memories as you can under each one.
Remember this is not a right or wrong answer question it is about avoiding love disappointments.
- What physical characteristics have you traditionally looked for in a partner?
- What personality traits or behaviors have you consistently sought?
- What are you looking for in terms of who your partner person is in the world (friends, vocation, family, etc.)?
- What kinds of interests would that person have (spiritual, intellectual, physical, sexual, and emotional)?
As you go through the questions in regards to your past relationships,
you could start to see a pattern emerging.
One that may lead you to see a common thread in your relationships to a love disappointment.
This kind of revelation can be useful in avoiding the same mistakes again in the future.
What have you learned from this ?
Now, you should be seeing love disappointments as a “learning opportunity”.
And another opportunity for some more questions.
Why am I disappointed?
Why is this important to me?
Could I have done something differently?
Did I communicate my expectations clearly ?
or did I assume the other person knew how I felt?
About the other person:
How is this person doing?
Are they stressed/overwhelmed?
Are they tired?
About a relationship:
Am I setting the bar too high?
How important is this issue to our relationship?
Is this a battle I want to pursue?
Are there other issues more important?
Am I relying on this person to make me happy?
The final question I ask myself is:
What does it matter in light of eternity?
This last question puts the issue and the feeling of love disappointment into perspective.
Most of the time the answer will be it does not really matter.
But there may be some that you will want to pursue further.
How to leave relationship failure in the past
To let go of the past and succeed in the future,
you will need to courageously explore why you haven’t found lasting love yet.
This deep searching can be uncomfortable for most people.
But it is the most promising way to make your next relationship work.
If there’s an ideal person in your mind you’d like to date honest, confident, reliable, straightforward.
Become that person yourself.
There are a number of reasons why this will help you overcome love disappointment.
First, it is something completely within your control,
and something you can do when you are single.
You may not be able to change other people or the dating scene in general,
but you can always work on yourself.
And by becoming the person you’d want to date,
you are more likely to attract a person like you.
Try to get to the essence of what those questions told you about yourself.
Decide what attitudes, ideas, and behaviors you are going to leave behind
and what you want to take on to your new relationship process.
Allow your feelings.
Being rejected, let down, or betrayed can trigger feelings of sadness, anxiety, or anger.
It is important to accept your feelings and acknowledge these feelings.
Acknowledge your unmet needs.
Figure out why you feel so let down or betrayed.
Think about what needs of yours are not being met by this person’s response.
Take care of yourself.
Are there ways you can meet the unmet need for yourself?
If your need is for support and soothing,
find ways to soothe yourself by having a warm bath or going on a nature walk.
If you need practical help, consider asking other people or purchasing services.
Decide if you need to speak up.
Think about whether it would be productive to speak up about your feelings of disappointment or betrayal.
Is this person capable of hearing the message, or will they just get defensive and counterattack?
Knowing that it’s important to pick your battles, think about how big a deal this is to you.
Examine your expectations.
Think about whether your expectations are reasonable in this situation,
and whether the person is capable of doing what you expect.
Try not to take this personally.
You may want to adjust your expectations and behavior accordingly.
Most important, try to learn from the experience,
and don’t let other people’s issues get you down.
You have a choice about how to react, even if you didn’t choose the situation.
Hopefully, you are now better prepared to enter your next relationship
with a greater chance of success than you have had in the past.
You’re clear about who you have been,
who you are now, what you have to offer,
and what you would like in return.
Your clear and honest awareness of self will help you.
To determine whether a new partner is right for you from the beginning of the relationship.
And recognize no one is perfect including ourselves.
We can all unintentionally disappoint people.
The question remains: What are we going to do about it?
Are we going to get angry, frustrated and think badly about the situation?
Think badly about other people?
We should at least realize love disappointment is a gap that happens
when the reality we envisioned does not meet our expectations.
We should also remember this gap does not define our happiness.
Only we are responsible for our own happiness.
“If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment.”
Henry David Thoreau:Antoine Peytavin, fondateur du site jerecuperemonex.com