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Love break up: 8 tips to get back with your ex

love break upGoing through a love break up is never easy, especially if you didn’t choose it and it’s against your wishes.  Your ex has broken up with you, but you’re convinced that they’ve made a mistake.  You are certain that the two of you are meant to be together and this break up only shows that you need to try a little harder and work on your relationship a little bit more.  But you can’t do that while you and your ex are separated, so how do you get him/her back?  Here are our 8 tips to fix your love break up and help you get back together with your ex.

Before you endeavor to get your ex back you need to be absolutely certain that this is what you want and that it is for the best, otherwise you may end up leaving yourself and your ex open to a lot more hurt.  Here are some questions you should ask yourself before you endeavor to get your ex back.

Why do you want to get back together?

Why are you so certain that this is the path for you and why do you want to get your ex back?  Be honest with yourself:  is it because your pride is wounded?  Or perhaps because you’ve become quite dependent on your ex? Is it because you don’t want your ex to be with someone else?  Or is it because you genuinely believe that you and your ex can make the relationship work if you give it another chance, and because you love him/her too much to let him/her go?  You need to be very sure before you try to get your ex back that you’re doing it for the right reasons and not for any selfish reason.

Can you forgive your ex for the love break up?

Are you certain that you will be able to get past this stone in your path?  Will you be able to forgive your ex for breaking up with you, for hurting you?  If you aren’t sure then maybe you should take a little more time to think about it.  Yet if the answer is “yes, I already have,” then great, you’re ready to proceed.  If the answer is no, you need to seriously reconsider why you want to get back together with your ex.

Now, if you want to get your ex back, you can’t be angry and keep blaming them for hurting you; hurting you was probably the last thing they wanted to do, but obviously they thought that breaking up was for the best, and if you can’t respect that, then you probably don’t have much chance of getting your ex back.

Have you got a chance at success?

Can you be honest with yourself and objectively say that you have a genuine chance of succeeding in getting your ex back?  You need to consider how and why your love break up happened.  Was there lots of shouting and screaming?  Did you say anything truly unforgivable in the heat of the moment?  Did your ex?  Was your ex unfaithful?  Do you really think you can forgive him/her?  Were you unfaithful?  Do you genuinely believe your ex can forgive you?  And are you sure you will not stray again?

You need to consider all these questions and try to come to an objective conclusion.  If you really believe you have a chance at getting your ex back then you should continue with the steps; if not, you can still try, but you need to prepare yourself for the likelihood of failure.

8 tips to get back with your ex

  1. Take time and space

The first thing that you need to do if you want to get your ex back is give your ex and yourself some time and space. This, to recover from the love break up and put things into perspective.  This break up has been hard on you both. You need to spend some time apart to get over it before you can even think about getting back together.

So immediately after the break up, you should invoke what we call a no contact rule, or radio silence.  Sever all ties with your ex.  Cut off all contact.  Don’t visit, don’t call them on the phone, don’t text, don’t send them messages via social media and don’t email them.  This can be very tough for a lot of people. Especially if you were living with your ex or had been together for a very long time. But it’s for the best.  Give yourselves the time and space you need to recover from the love break up.

This period of silence also has another objective.  While you’ve gone silent as a ghost, you’re missing your ex fiercely. But you’re also giving your ex the time and space to remark on your absence and miss you too.  Cutting off contact is going to make your ex very curious about you.  They’re going to miss you and begin to wonder where you are. What you’re doing, who you’re doing it with, and why you don’t have the time to speak to them anymore.  Your cutting off contact will create a sense of mystery around yo. That will greatly intrigue your ex and make them think about you a lot. Subtly encouraging them to think about you is a great tip for getting your ex back.

  1. Purge your emotions

loss of loveDon’t attempt to keep your feelings about the love break up bottled up inside.  If you want to get back with your ex you have to express these emotions. Allow yourself to feel angry, hurt, disappointed, betrayed… You must feel it and then deal with it. Scream and cry, release all your pent up frustration. If you take it into your relationship with you when you get your ex back, the relationship will be doomed to fail.  Try to find healthy ways of releasing your emotions.  It’s okay to cry. But if you have a lot of anger, find a healthy way to release that anger, such as on a punching bag at the gym. That way, you can be sure to rid yourself of all your frustration without the danger of someone else getting caught in the crossfire.

Rely on your family and friends to get you through your love break up.  The people you love and who love you will always be there for you and to support you, so lean on them to help you through this time.  Talk through your break up with them.  They may not have any useful insights into where you went wrong in the relationship but it can feel good to get things off your chest, and just speaking to someone you trust about how you’re feeling can make you feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.  It is essential that you free yourself of any feelings of anger, hurt or frustration before you attempt to get your ex back.  If not, you risk damaging your new relationship before it has even really begun.

  1. What not to do

Sometimes when looking for advice on how to get your ex back, it’s easier to look at the things you shouldn’t do than the things you should.  For example, some things that you should avoid at all cost include screaming, crying and threatening your ex.  Your ex is not going to take you back out of guilt or pity, so you need to avoid crying and pleading with them to take you back.  It will make you look pathetic and make your ex even more resolved that the relationship is over.  If you want to cry or plead, do it by yourself or with family and friends, not with your ex.

Similarly, threatening your ex is a very bad idea, especially threats to hurt yourself or suicide threats if they don’t take you back.  If you really feel this way then you need to get immediate professional help.  If you’re only saying it to manipulate your ex into taking you back, you need to stop this right now.  Threatening your ex is a sure way to alienate them and make sure that they never take you back.

Another trap that many fall into after a love break up but which should very much be avoided, is contacting your ex’s friends and family.  This doesn’t mean if your ex’s brother was your best friend before the break up that you should stop talking to him; it just means don’t appeal to your ex’s friends and family to plead your case to him/her.  Don’t ask them to reason with him/her or to talk him/her into taking you back.  This will only make you seem pathetic and desperate, and will make your ex resent you for going behind his/her back and bothering his/her friends and family.

  1. Get back on your feet

Once you’ve finished crying and screaming and falling apart over the relationship, you can start to pick yourself up and glue yourself back together.  Try not to think about your ex or the love break up for a little while, and simply focus on yourself. Spend this time apart from your ex wisely and try to make some self-improvements, physically and mentally.  Change up your appearance.  A new coat of paint can do wonders for an old garden shed, so get a haircut, try out some new make-up or hair products, and invest in some new clothes that are well-fitted and suit you.  When your ex finally sees you again, you want him/her to be reminded of the reason why he/she was first attracted to you.

Work on yourself emotionally too.  Meditate, read, take long walks… do things that will help you develop a more positive attitude and help you find peace within yourself.  Try to improve yourself; work on your weaknesses and try to free yourself of any bad habits that always annoyed your ex.  Stay active too.  Try to occupy your body and mind so you don’t think too much about your ex and get tempted to call him or her while it’s still too soon.

Think about taking up a new sport or activity to keep you busy in the evenings and on weekends; having something like this to talk about will make you seem much more evolved and interesting to your ex when the time comes for you to see or speak to him/her again.

  1. Reflect

Take some time to think about your relationship and your love break up. Perhaps discuss it with someone you trust.  Consider what may have gone wrong in your relationship and what your ex’s reasons may have been for breaking up.  If you want to get back with your ex you may never be able to ask them this question. Therefore, you have to try to figure it out for yourself.  Were you inattentive?  Were you spending too much or not enough time together?  Was your relationship always your first priority, or not enough?

These are some of the things you should consider to find out why your relationship failed. And this is necessary so that you can fix it.  You need to find out where the mistakes were made. Then, you can work on the things you may have done to drive your ex away. You don’t want to make the same mistakes again when you get back together.

Thinking carefully about the break up may give you some perspective or an insight into the things that you could be working on personally.  Think hard about the break up and put your findings to good use, so that when you and your ex try again, you will not be repeating the same mistakes.

You’ve spent a long time thinking, but can’t figure out where you went wrong ? Then consider talking to one of our relationship coaches.  In discussing your relationship, they may be able to offer you some insight into why your ex felt the need to break up.  If you want to succeed in getting back your ex and for your relationship to be successful, you need to be aware of your own strength and weaknesses. This, in order to avoid heading towards another break up in the future.

  1. Take it slowly

If you want to get back with your ex after a love break up, it’s very important that you take things slowly.  Maybe you had been together for five years and were living together with a marriage proposal on the way, but you have to treat that as if it was a different relationship now.  If you just ask your ex spontaneously if they want to get back together, and by some miracle they say yes, you can’t just get down on one knee and pick up right where you left off.  You have to take things one step at a time.  Slow and steady wins the race, and you don’t want to spook your ex by moving too fast.

When you get back in contact with your ex, you have to do it gradually.  Maybe start with a funny text, then another a few days later, after a few days a short phone call, and so on and so forth.  Don’t rush it.  Increase the amount of contact you have with your ex gradually, and if you make plans to meet up, make sure to leave at least a few days between each meeting.

Don’t be too persistent and continue to give your ex some space.  Although you’ve started seeing them again, give them some time to see for themselves that you’ve changed, that you’re a different person and the relationship would be better this time.  While you’re hanging out casually give them time to reflect on how much they enjoy having you in their life, and time to sort out their mixed up feelings.  Rome wasn’t built in a day, and your relationship won’t be either.

  1. Use your past

It may be a bad idea to bring up your past or make any reference to your love break up. However, this doesn’t mean that your history with your ex can’t come in useful in other ways.  You know your ex better than anyone. Maybe even better than they know themselves. Then, you can use this to your advantage.  Send sweet or funny texts to your ex to remind them of funny stories involving the two of you. For example if you have some anecdote about a car breaking down, text “got a flat wheel this morning, too bad Mr. Fix it wasn’t here to help ;)”.  Texting something like this is very simple. Yet, it has a very effective way to make them think of you and remember all the times you’ve spent together fondly.

get back with your exAn alternative to sending texts, you could give them a small gift or two. Nothing extravagant that would put you out of pocket. Just something small and simple that will remind them how well you know them.  For example, if you’re passing by a book shop, pick up the newest title of their favourite author. Or if you’re in a bakery and you see that they have your ex’s favourite sweet treat, buy a few for him/her.

In addition to all of this, be generous with compliments.  If they have a new hairstyle or a new top, notice it and compliment them on it. (Although this is probably easier for women than men.) All these little things will make your ex feel flattered and appreciated. Making them feel good about themselves will definitely put you in their good graces.  Being attentive and wooing them a little bit is a great tip to help you get your ex back.

  1. Apologise

You want to move past the love break up and you’ve succeeded in getting back together with your ex ? Then you should apologise for anything you did wrong in the relationship.  This doesn’t mean apologise for every little thing your ex didn’t like during the entire time you were together. But it means consider why you’re relationship went off course. Also, apologise for anything you could have done but didn’t.  Say you’re sorry for not realising that your ex was feeling the way he/she was and not putting their mind at ease before you broke up.  Reassure your ex that you don’t want it to happen again. You’re resolved to do better and to keep working at your relationship to ensure it succeeds.  This should hopefully help to create an open communication between you and your partner.

Don’t expect your ex to apologise.  They might, but they might not.  Either way you can’t and shouldn’t dictate to them that they need to apologise to you.  If they broke up with you, it was because they genuinely believed it was for the best. You can’t and shouldn’t fault them for that.

If you are certain after a love break up that you and your ex are right for each other and you want to get back together and give the relationship another chance, these are 8 tips you can rely on to lead you in the right direction.  Try using the no contact rule to help you recover from the break up. Then attempt to slowly repair your relationship with your ex.  The most important thing to remember is that it’s a process, not a race.  Don’t rush things.  Take your time and you’re sure to give yourself the best possible chance of success.

Antoine Peytavin, fondateur du site

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