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Letter to my ex : how to write the perfect letter to your ex


letter to my exWould a letter to my ex really work ? Attempting to get back together with your ex can be a very daunting experience.  In the initial aftermath of the break up, you may have made a lot of mistakes and you want to apologize for them, and you’re trying to get back on track now and follow the GMEB method.  You want to let your ex know that you’re sorry and then initiate a no contact period but you’re stumped as to how you might do this.  Phoning and texting aren’t advisable, so what can you do?  May a letter to my ex may be the ideal solution for me ? Definitely, and you can follow this article to see exactly how you can write the perfect letter to your ex.

Why write a letter to my ex ?

A letter to my ex is not just a letter, it’s a strategy.  In writing this letter to your ex, you’re going to use psychology and your understanding of the human psyche to get your ex back.  Your letter will show your ex that you agree with the break up and therefore your ex’s decision to end the relationship.  It allows you to put an end to any animosity between you and your ex and imposes a certain distance between you or a quality of unavailability.  It will make you unavailable in your ex’s eyes.

The letter works because it allows you to apologize for any less than stellar behavior on your part.  However, this letter should not be an admission of guilt.  It should provoke your ex’s curiosity.  You should show positivity and give your ex the impression that good things are happening to you.

When should you write a letter to my ex ?

You should write this letter quickly, a few days after the break up so that you can avoid certain bad decisions like apologetic texts, discussions that turn into arguments, meetings that leave you or your ex in tears or any other undesirable behavior.  Thanks to this letter, you can quickly explain how you’re feeling, get everything off your chest and get better.  The letter will help you to get back with your ex because it will begin a reconstruction process after the break up.

What to do in a letter to my ex ?

Hand write your letter

I know what you’re thinking. Why should I hand write my letter to my ex ? It’s the twenty-first century!  Everything is done by computer these days; nobody hand writes letters anymore.  But that is exactly why you’re going to do it.  Writing your letter by hand will surprise your ex, and that element of surprise may end up being the reason why your ex chooses to read your letter instead of throwing it in the bin right away.  A handwritten letter is much more personal too which your ex will appreciate.

Keep it short

Make sure your letter is as short and to the point as possible.  Don’t write a novel; your ex will not want to read a hundred pages full of remorse and excuses written by your poor broken heart.  Your letter should be short so that you avoid doing anything potentially harmful to your endeavor to get your ex back.  Keep it short and sweet.  Say what you have to say within a few lines and don’t fall into the trap of letting your heart rule your head when you’re writing the letter to your ex.

Redraft

One of the many advantages of writing a letter is that there’s no rush, you can afford to take your time.  You should write the letter, a first draft, and then redraft it the next day and again the day after that until it’s perfect, until it says exactly what you want it to say.  If you redraft your letter several times, there is no possibility of you regretting the words you have written because you have thought long and hard about them, considered them thoroughly and decided they are accurate and portray what you want to say clearly.

The Content of this letter to my ex

I want this letter to my ex to be effective. In order to be, it must follow a clear and precise thought process.  It’s not a question of offloading all your feelings of hurt or disappointment and going over and over how and why this has happened.  If you feel like you need to write a letter like that to feel better then do it, but DO NOT send the letter to your ex.  If you feel the need to write a letter like that, write it and then burn it.  Do not let that letter ever see the light of day.  If you do, you’ll only succeed in scaring your ex.  Your letter should be written according to the following steps.

  1. Accept the break up

At first glance this may seem very strange to a lot of people since you’re trying to get your ex back, but if there is in fact a general objective to your letter, it is to show that you have accepted your ex’s decision and as a result, accepted the break up.

If you made a lot of mistakes during or in the immediate aftermath of the break up, it’s even more necessary to show your ex that you accept and understand his/her decision.  If you choose to deny and reject your ex’s decision, he/she will want to distance his/herself from you even more because he/she believes they have made the right choice, and that this decision will make them happier.  So if you’re not capable of showing that you support him/her in this decision, he/she will reject you even more forcefully and tell themselves they have made the right choice in leaving you behind.

For this letter to your ex to work, you have to be able to see things from your ex’s point of view.  Even if it’s difficult for you and you don’t believe for one second that this break up was the right decision, give your ex some time and space and go along with his/her decision.  Accepting the break up will help you to get your ex back in the long run because it will show your ex that you’re mature and respect them and their choices.

  1. Apologize

perfect letterUnder no circumstance should your letter be a letter of apology where you repeat variations of how sorry you are for what happened over five pages.  You may think that recognizing your faults is a good thing after a break up and you’re right, but taking all the blame and going round and round in circles about how sorry you are is only going to make you victimize yourself and that’s not the effect you want.

It’s good to apologize to get your ex back, necessary even, but if you do apologize you should only do it once.  Too many apologies and excuses will have an unfortunate and counterproductive effect.  You should apologize in moderation to achieve maximum effect and impact on your ex.

Two or three well-placed, brief lines where you apologize for your behavior or whatever it is you’ve done, even if it’s a small thing, you shouldn’t trivialize your mistake.  Avoid annoying phrases like “I’m sorry for my little affair with that man/woman”, because an “affair” while you’re in a relationship is never a little thing.  An affair is always painful for the person who has been betrayed, so be careful with the words you use.

  1. Provoke your ex’s curiosity

Your ex is almost certainly imagining you sitting at home alone, sad and hopeless.  After a break up, it’s normal to adopt a rather negative attitude.  We feel like our world has been turned upside down and it’s difficult to see the positive things in life.

However, in your letter you want to portray a positive tone.  You need to give your ex a happy mental image of your life, even if it’s not the case.  Obviously, do not lie.  Tell your ex about a happy or fortunate event in your life, and exaggerate it.  It could be an old friend that you’ve bumped into, or a piece of good news in your family or work.  To give it an air of mystery, you should be evasive; don’t give too many details.

And now your ex will think that you’re happy and satisfied.  Hopelessness never attracts anyone, so don’t hesitate to show your ex that you’re quite capable of being happy without him/her.  You should have a positive attitude to get your ex back and move forward with your life.  A positive attitude will only make you more desirable.

  1. You need space

To reinforce your detachment, you can insist that you need space.  You were a couple, you’ve been through thick and thin together and even if you want to stay in contact, you need some space for yourself right now.

This element should not undermine your positivity in any way, just the opposite actually.  It doesn’t mean that you need solitude or to cut yourself off from the world, but rather that you need some time for yourself, to rediscover yourself and make the most of life.  Incidentally, if your ex left you, it’s because they needed some space too.  This will put you both on the same wavelength once again.

What not to do in a letter to my ex

There is plenty of advice given in this article and on the internet about how to write your letter to your ex, but you also need to think a little bit more about the things that you really shouldn’t do, the things that you should try to avoid at all costs.  You need to remember that this letter is about leaving the path clear for you to get your ex back, not expressing every thought and feeling you have about the break up.

Apologising profusely

It has already been said above but I will repeat this because it’s very important.  Don’t write a thousand words about how sorry you are; if you do, your letter will become very long and tedious and will make your ex feel guilty and he/she will stop reading.  Own up to anything that you’ve done, acknowledge that it was wrong and say you’re sorry.  You can’t accept all the blame for the failure of the relationship, so apologise to your ex in a few lines and then let it go.  Say no more about it.  You have asked for forgiveness and that’s all you can do.

Complaining

This is also about evoking the correct tone in your ex letter.  There is nothing more tedious to read or listen to than complaints.  Complaining in your letter about the break up or anything else in your life is not going to make your ex feel close to you; it’s going to make them roll their eyes in exasperation and think they’ve made the right choice in breaking up with you.  Complaining is very unattractive and will give a very negative vibe to your letter, so no matter how miserable or hard-done-by you’re feeling, do not let it be evident in your letter.

Begging

letter to your exEven if you choose not to follow the above advice in writing your letter, make sure that you don’t beg.  Begging will make your ex feel guilty and uncomfortable, but more than anything it will make them more resolved in their decision to break up with you and make them certain that they have made the right decision.  No matter how much you plead with your ex to come back or to give you another chance, it won’t have the desired effect.  It will make you seem dependent and pathetic and incapable of being alone, and this will only repulse your ex.

Accusations

While you should avoid apologising for anything that wasn’t completely your fault, you should also avoid accusing your ex of anything.  It’s understandable that you’re angry about the break up, but you’re writing this letter to get your ex back and accusing your ex of everything under the sun isn’t going to help.  If you accuse your ex, he/she is going to feel attacked and will immediately go on the defensive, possibly writing a not-so-polite letter in return to yours, or perhaps just becoming very defensive and untrusting when you attempt to get back in contact after the radio silence period.  Accusing you ex in your letter is a huge mistake that you should try to avoid.

Writing a letter to your ex can give you a solid basis for starting the GMEB process; you just have to make sure to follow the recommended advice and avoid any traps or pitfalls in letter-writing.  Write your letter; show your ex that you accept the break up, apologise for anything you’ve done wrong, try to provoke your ex’s curiosity and let them know that you need some space: this is the path to success.

Antoine Peytavin, fondateur du site jerecuperemonex.com

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