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I miss my ex: 5 pieces of advice to get back with an ex
« I miss my ex »
So often this is the expression that follows a break up. « I miss my ex » may not be something you feel immediately after the break up. Yet, in the days or weeks that follow it your ex’s absence becomes the elephant in the room. « I miss my ex ». Nevertheless, he/she is not here. No matter how much you wish he/she was. You miss him/her so much it feels like a part of you is missing. But you’ve broken up, so there’s nothing you can do, right?
Wrong. If you really want to get back with your ex there is plenty that you can do. None of these things include the incessant phone calls. Or the pleading for another chance or the repeated cries of « I miss my ex! » that so many of us are inclined to try. No, these are the things you should avoid doing at all costs. The measures that we suggest are tried and tested, and much more likely to help you get back together with your ex. Not because it makes them feel guilty or pity you. Only because they make your ex realize that they miss you too. That maybe you broke up a little too hastily. Eventually, they know that things would be different this time.
Here, we present to you five key pieces of advice to put an end to your constant cries of “I miss my ex!” and help you to get back together.
1. Give yourself some time and distance
Even if you miss your ex so badly it feels like you’ve chopped off one of your own limbs, you need to keep your distance from your ex and take some time to consider your options. The first thing that you need to consider is whether or not you are serious about getting your ex back. « I miss my ex » is completely normal after a break up. Nonetheless, you need to be sure that wanting to get him/her back is actually for the best. Not just a knee-jerk reaction to the sudden feeling of loneliness enveloping you.
Reflect on the relationship
The break up happened, so obviously something went wrong in the relationship. Take some time to reflect on what this might have been, and if you’re serious about getting your ex back, what you might be able to do to fix it. Do you really want your ex back? Think of all the things he/she did that annoyed you. Make a list of his/her irritating habits or faults and this may help you to see more clearly if your relationship really has a chance of succeeding if you do manage to get back with your ex. Before you decide to get your ex back, you must consider if this man/woman is really the only one for you. Don’t make the decision lightly.
The second question you should ask yourself is if you have a legitimate chance at getting your ex back, and you need to be one hundred per cent honest with yourself. Did he/she break up with you or did you break up with him/her? Can you really forgive him/her? Was he/she unfaithful? Were you? Is it likely to happen again? You need to take time and distance from your ex to seriously consider these questions. “I miss my ex” is not reason enough to get him/her back.
Time and space
If you decide that, actually, there are certain things you can’t move past, then I suppose you can stop reading now, but if you are unwavering and fully resolved in your decision to get your ex back, then time and distance is still the answer. Seeing or speaking to your ex so soon after your break up will only leave you hurting and depressed. Stay away from social media too. It is much better to keep your distance and give yourself some time to recover from the break up than to spy on your ex and end up feeling awful because you’ve seen that he/she is doing just fine without you. Use this time and space to start to heal, consider your feelings, and allow yourself to miss your ex.
Make them miss you
You may think “I miss my ex too much, I have to see him/her,” or “if he/she doesn’t see me, he/she is going to forget about me and move on”. But your silence will in fact have the opposite effect. Keeping your distance and cutting off communication from your ex for a week or two will give him/her some time to realise that he/she misses you too. Your silence will make them wonder what you’re up to, who you’re spending time with, how you’re doing. Your silence will make them curious about you and make them miss you, which is a great advantage to you if you want to get him/her back. This time apart will also give you the chance to follow our second piece of advice…
2. Focus on yourself
While this may seem bizarre to some, focusing on yourself and working hard to improve yourself is something that can do you a lot of good personally and can also have a powerful impression on your ex. For this reason, it’s something that we strongly encourage to help you get your ex back. The work that you should do on yourself is twofold: you should change your attitude and your appearance.
Your state of mind is possibly the most important factor in getting your ex back. If your thoughts continue along the lines of “I miss my ex”, you’re going to end up calling constantly, or doing something rash and scaring your ex off for good. That’s not to say that you can’t think about your ex of course, you should simply attempt to adopt a more detached, more relaxed, “Zen” attitude towards him/her. Do things to take your mind off your ex, for example, take up a sport or hobby. Release any anger you harbour or vent your frustration over your break up by running until your lungs burn, hitting a punching bag until your knuckles bleed, or even beating a cake mixture to culinary death.
This will be quite cathartic and allow you to become calmer and take on a more reasonable and deliberate approach to getting your ex back. The worst thing you could do if you saw him/her would be to lash out in anger, throw insults at them without thinking and regret it later. So you need to work on adopting a relaxed and positive attitude and resolve to leave the past in the past, where it belongs, in the interest of moving forward and getting your ex back. Show off your new sunny attitude. Smile as much as possible. If you seem happy your ex will be much more attracted to you and therefore more interested in getting you back.
Your physical appearance
This is something you should also take care with. If the next time you see your ex you look miserable, like a homeless beggar or like you’ve just been run over with a car, with ragged clothes and unwashed hair, there is no way that he or she is going to feel attracted to you, and you need him/her to feel attracted to win him/her back. You should make some changes, however minimal. Buy some new clothes or get a new haircut. This will show your ex that you’re doing well and looking after yourself. It will also give you some confidence in yourself (looking good, feeling good!) and may even make your ex wonder if there’s someone new in your life for whom you’re making this effort.
3. Use your past to your advantage
So you’ve been patient with your ex and given him/her and yourself a little time and distance since the break up, and now it’s time to take some action. How long were you with your ex? Months? Years? Did you live together? If you were with your ex for a long time then this is a huge advantage for you. You’re going to show your ex that you know them better than anyone else and that they would be a fool to let that kind of intimacy go.
Use your knowledge
Over the last months or years, you have spent a great deal of time with your ex, alone together, visiting each other’s families, and hanging out with each other’s friends. He/she confided all his/her secrets in you, his/her deepest, darkest fears, and now you’re going to use all this to your advantage. Use all these little snippets of information to show him/her that you really know him/her and that you love him/her. If you’re in a book shop and spot the latest title by his favourite author, buy it and send it with a note saying « I just saw this and thought of you. Enjoy x ». If you know that she can’t make it through a Monday morning without a Starbucks grande latte, beat her to it and ask the barista to have it ready for her when she arrives. Show your intimacy and your love through small, thoughtful gestures.
You know your ex better than anyone else, and you can use this to win them back. When your ex sees you, you want him/her to feel like it’s comfortable and familiar. Pay him/her little compliments. For example, you see her at a mutual friend’s party and know that she’s particularly self-conscious about her body shape. Tell her that she looks great and the dress she’s wearing really suits her. He’s particularly paranoid about the way his hair sticks up in the back? Ask him if he’s just had his hair done, it looks really good!
Alternatively, send your ex cute but brief texts to let him/her know you’re thinking of him/her. Simply “there was blue jay in the window this morning and it reminded me of our anniversary” or “the bakery on Main Street has those caramel cupcakes you like today, yum!” Keep it simple and keep it light. Send one per day at the most. You want your ex to smile when they see your text, to feel happy and cherished. Bombarding him/her with fifteen texts a day will have the opposite effect than intended.
Another thing that you know about your ex is their routine. For example you know that he/she meets his/her friends at a certain bar the first Friday of every month, but DO NOT use this to harass him/her. You may choose to use this information to let him/her see you with another man/woman, to inspire jealousy. However, you must be very careful if you choose to do this. Your ex may realise what you’re up to and think it’s pathetic, so subtlety is key. A better use of knowing your ex’s routine would be to simply let him/her spot you laughing and having a good time with your friends. Let him/her see that you’re doing well and looking good.
4. Communicate openly
So perhaps now the time has come to stop telling other people or yourself “I miss my ex” and start telling your ex “I miss you”. Your relationship failed the first time, and it’s most likely that this happened because somewhere along the line there was a breakdown in communication, you stopped talking to each other, stopped expressing what you wanted or needed from one another. If you want to get back together with your ex, you have to repair the lines of communication.
First and foremost you have to apologise. You have to acknowledge, even if it was your ex who broke up with you, that you both share responsibility for the breakdown of your relationship. You have to apologise for any wrongdoing on your part and for any hurt you may have caused him/her, particularly if you did not react well to the break up. In return, you should hope that he/she will also apologise for anything that they did wrong. Do not expect him/her to apologise for breaking up with you, it may well be that he/she truly believed it was for the best.
Open a dialogue
You and your ex need to have a serious discussion, to open a new dialogue. Therefore, you need to discuss where you may have gone wrong in your previous relationship, but you must be careful to do this without anger and without accusations. You must let go of grudges.
For these reasons, you should wait however long it takes for the two of you to be able to feel and talk about the break up in a detached way, almost as if it happened to other people. If you want to get back together, you must get everything out in the open, but if you can’t do this calmly and dispassionately then it will most likely only lead to more hurt and another break up. You both have to agree to put the past behind you, to start afresh. Therefore, you must look at this getting back together not as resuming your old relationship, but starting a new one. You have to leave the past behind you in order to move on, and treat this as a brand new relationship.
Open lines of communication
Finally, you must agree to keep the lines of communication open in the future. Let your ex know that they can speak to you about anything, including any doubts they may have about your relationship, in order to work through them. If you want to have a successful relationship, you and your partner must be open and honest with one another before, during and after you get back together.
5. Be prepared to walk away
As charming and irresistible as you may be, you must be prepared for all eventualities. Perhaps your ex will be happy to get back together; maybe he/she has missed you as much as you have missed him/her, but perhaps not. Despite your best efforts, you may fail, and you should prepare yourself for this possibility.
It is important to recognise the signs of failure. Be able to let go and walk away from your ex. For example, if you try all the tricks in the book, send cute text messages. Compliment him/her, try to have a conversation with him/her… and you get no reply, or an irritated message telling you to leave him/her alone. Know when to give up. In this case, your ex clearly doesn’t want you back. Nothing you say or do is going to convince him/her otherwise. If they ask you to stop, stop, or they may end up reporting you to the police.
If at some point along the road you begin to realise that you couldn’t see beyond your heart’s screaming “I miss my ex!”. Now you’re beginning to understand that there was a good reason for the two of you to break up. That he/she is not the only man/woman for you. There is no shame in giving up your endeavour and deciding to walk away. It may be difficult, but it may be for the best. It’s much better to walk away now than to wait and possibly succeed at getting your ex back. Then realising a few months down the line that you’re not right for each other. In consequence, having to go through the break up all over again.
This is why it’s so important to take some time before deciding to get your ex back. If you don’t give yourself time to see beyond the pain of “I miss my ex” then you could end up making a terrible mistake that will cause both of you a lot of hurt.
Hope for success, prepare for failure
Don’t set yourself up to get hurt. You might get your ex back, you might not. It’s like they say: Hope for success, prepare for failure. Hope that you will succeed in making your ex realise that the two of you are meant to be together. However, be prepared to discover that you may be wrong. You may not be right for each other, and even if you still believe you are, prepare for the fact that your ex may not believe so.
“I miss my ex”
This can seem like the worst feeling in the world. But at the end of the day, whether you get your ex back or not, it is only a temporary feeling. « I miss my ex » is not a reason to get back together with him/her. So before even attempting to get your ex back; you must seriously consider what it is that you really want. Do you want to get your ex back? Great. Accept that the break up happened. Dwelling on it and allowing yourself to be miserable about it for weeks on end is not going to change anything.
Think of the time and space away from your ex as a saving grace. Use it to take a good look at your life and decide what it is you want. Also, use it to work on yourself. Change the things about yourself that you don’t like and try to be a better, happier person. It will make you more attractive to your ex in the long run. When you’re ready to communicate with your ex, use the insider information that you have from years spent with them to your advantage. Make small but memorable gestures that you know he/she will love.
What about communication ?
If you manage to get to the point where you can have a real conversation with your ex, clear the air. Make sure you’re able to communicate with one another more openly in the future. So that you don’t find yourselves in this situation again. If you believe that your relationship was truly meant to be, fight for it. But the final and most important piece of advice you should take on board before you endeavour to get your ex back is that it is okay to fail and walk away from the relationship. This may be another cliche. But it doesn’t make it any less true. It might take a year, it might take a day. What’s meant to be will always find its way. If the relationship was meant to be, it will come back to you.Antoine Peytavin, fondateur du site jerecuperemonex.com