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How to win your ex back when it's definitely over

how to win your ex backSometimes relationships end, that’s just the way of life.  You may not have wanted it to end and you may want to know how to win your ex back, but it seems impossible.  Your ex has made it perfectly clear that the relationship is over and you don’t know what to do. You are sure that this relationship could work if your ex would just give you another chance.  You are absolutely certain that your ex is the only man/woman in the world for you, but how can you know how to win your ex back when they have shown no sign of wanting anything other than to move on?  How can you get your ex back when it seems like it’s definitely over?

Before asking yourself how to win your ex back

Is your ex worth the trouble?

There are a couple of questions you should ask yourself before attempting to get back with your ex and this is the first.  Why do you want your ex back so badly?  Is winning your ex back really worth all of the effort?  Wouldn’t it be much easier to just accept the break up and try to move on?  Sure, it might take a while to get over it, but are you really so certain that getting your ex back is the right option?  Is your ex really worth the trouble?

Why are you so sure it’s over?

Why are you so certain that your relationship is definitely over?  Perhaps it’s because of how the relationship ended; maybe you cheated, maybe he/she has started seeing someone else, maybe there were other huge problems in your relationship.  If any of these cases apply to you, it may be best to let go of the relationship.  Or perhaps it’s because you have already attempted to win back your ex and it was a disaster?  Is it possible that you have already committed all the possible errors people make when attempting to get back together with an ex?  Not to worry.  These problems don’t make getting your ex back entirely impossible, although they do complicate the situation.  If it is indeed possible to guess how to win your ex back the following advice should help.

Keep your distance to know how to win your ex back

The first thing you should do after a break up if you want to know how to win your ex back is keep your distance, especially if you’ve already tried and failed to see how to win your ex back.  You need to take a step back and give your ex some time and distance to forget about anything you may have done to hurt him/her.  Give your ex some time to reflect on the break up and to miss you, and give yourself this time as well.

You need to take some time to step away from the relationship and catch your breath, and you’re going to use this time wisely to think about where your relationship went wrong and create an effective plan of action for winning your ex back.  Don’t contact your ex during this time.  Don’t see them or speak to them, don’t text or email or send messages via social media.  You have to effectively keep your distance if you want to have any hope of getting your ex back, and this distance will allow you both to calm down and get your bearings.

Renew your value to understand how to win your ex back

When you attempt to get your ex back, you want to make sure that your ex sees you as attractive, interesting and engaging, in your attitude and your appearance.  Get a new haircut, makeup or some new clothes and use these to reflect the changes that you’re going to make within.  When your ex sees you, you want them to know that you’ve changed and improved.  Obviously you can’t become a totally different person, and you shouldn’t have to. But you should attempt to be the best possible version of yourself.

You should figure out what went wrong in the relationship and find a way to fix it.  Reflect on the relationship and consider if there was anything you did wrong or might have been able to do better so that when you get your ex back, you won’t make the same mistakes as last time.  Try to have a positive attitude on life.  Nobody is attracted to someone who is all doom and gloom.  Work on yourself; anything that you think you can improve about yourself.

Go out with your friends.  There is nothing that will make you more miserable than sitting at home night after night alone, so have fun; nothing will make you feel more rejuvenated than spending time in the company of people you love and who love you.  Once you’re feeling and looking like you’ve got a new lease of life, let your ex see it; not in person, since you should still be keeping your distance; post a few photos on social media platforms and change your profile picture.  Use pictures where you look happy, attractive and are having fun with friends.  Show off your new appearance and your social life; nobody needs to know it’s for your ex’s benefit.

Bump into your ex

You were with your ex for a long time so you know all their habits and favorite places to hang out.  Use this to have a casual run-in with your ex when you’re ready to get started with winning them back.  Have a ‘chance’ encounter with them at the library or a park or their favorite coffee shop, but be careful.  Don’t let this turn into stalking.  If you’re trying to casually bump into your ex, don’t hover around this place for hours on end just waiting for them to show up, or walk in and out obsessively every ten minutes to see if your ex is there yet.  You want to be calm and collected when you run in to your ex and you definitely don’t want to look like you’re spying on them or looking for them.

Make small talk

Wget your ex backhen you casually bump into your ex, say hi and make small talk.  Be friendly and open but also a little distant.  Ask them how they’re doing or what they’re up to and ask about their family and friends or any other former acquaintances of yours.  Show interest in what they say; don’t just ask and then tune them out.  Be attentive and really listen to everything your ex says.  This will make your ex feel important and appreciated, and hopefully he/she will start to see that you’ve changed and you’re not the person that they broke up with a few weeks or months ago.

What not to do to see how to win your ex back

If you ever want to succeed at winning your ex back, there are certain things that you should absolutely avoid doing, immediately after the break up as well as at this first encounter when you see your ex again for the first time in weeks.


When you have that first meeting with your ex, you may be tempted to run your mouth a little and tell him/her all about the things you’re doing to improve yourself and all about what you’ve been up to; your nights out with your friends, etc.  Don’t do this.  At the first meeting, you need to let your ex do the talking.  Ask questions, show interest and be attentive to his/her answers.  Take an interest in your ex’s life; don’t go on and on about your own; if you do your ex will lose interest very quickly, and if that happens then you don’t have much chance of getting a second meeting.


Show interest, but don’t ask about every single thing they’ve done or every single place they’ve been and person they’ve seen since the break up; if you do your ex will quickly start to feel like an ant under a magnifying glass.  You don’t want to make your ex uncomfortable, so don’t interrogate him/her and let this initial meeting be brief.

Talking about the break up

Don’t bring up the break up during your first encounter with your ex; if you do your ex is going to leave in a hurry and you’ll be left wondering what you did wrong.  Leave the break up in the past and try to focus on the future.  You want to seem friendly and engaging.  If you bring up the break up you’ll appear bitter and pathetic.

Crying and pleading

Seeing your ex again after a few weeks apart may be a shock to the system and lead to you crying and pleading, having forgotten your carefully constructed plan the moment you laid eyes on your ex. Don’t cry and beg your ex to take you back; there is no way it will work.  So choke down your emotions.  You want to use this first meeting to show your ex that you’ve evolved and you’re doing very well; crying and pleading will give the opposite impression.

Trying to make them jealous

Inspiring a little jealousy in your ex can’t do any harm but you need to be very subtle about it and don’t use your first meeting with your ex to do it.  If you want to make your ex jealous, wait until a day or two after your first meeting.  Don’t be glaringly obvious by bringing someone else along to meet with your ex or running into your ex ‘by chance’ again just when you’re on a date.

Instead, post a picture on your social media page of you with someone else.  It can be perfectly innocent; you could just have your arm around this person or be giving them an innocent kiss on the cheek.  Simply make sure that the other person isn’t someone your ex has ever met before.  Like this, you’ll leave your ex feeling a little envious and wondering whether the person in this picture is just a friend or a new love interest.

Start spending time with your ex again

After that first encounter with your ex, you can wait a couple days. Then casually text them and ask them if they would like to have coffee some time and catch up.  It doesn’t have to be coffee; it can be any kind of informal get together where there won’t be any pressure on your ex.  A romantic dinner is out of the question; you don’t want to scare your ex off.  The important thing is to gradually re-establish regular contact with your ex.  You must be patient; it may take them a little time to come around to the idea.

When you’re meeting with your ex you need to be in control of your emotions. Don’t give away your end game.  During the first few meetings, be friendly but a little distant and indifferent.  Don’t be afraid to seem a little unavailable; people always want what they can’t have so if your ex thinks he/she can’t have you, he/she is only going to want you more.  After a few meetings you can start to act a little more interested and make your intentions a little clearer.  Remain in control.  Don’t say “I love you” or “I want to get back together” right away.

There are other ways to show how you feel without saying I love you.  For example, you could try saying, “I love spending time with you,” or “you just made my day”.  There are plenty of ways to show your ex how you feel without scaring them off .  The most important thing at this stage is to take it slowly if you want to know how to win your ex back. Advance gradually with your ex, don’t rush them.  You have to let your ex decide that he/she wants you back in his/her own time.

Show you’ve changed

One of the key aims of having these casual get-togethers with your ex is to show them that you’ve changed.  You have to show him/her that you’re different now and things would be different if you got back together.  You will manage this gradually, over the course of a few meetings, by mentioning the things that you’ve been doing and the work that you’ve been doing on yourself to improve, but you need to make it clear that you did this for yourself, not to win your ex back.

Give him/her some time and during your meetings he/she will start to see that it’s true, you really have changed.  Your ex will notice this because, with your newfound positive attitude and sunny outlook on life, you’ll make him/her feel differently.  Maya Angelou once said, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel”.

Changing the way your ex feels will change their entire perspective of you.  It can make up for the things you did wrong in the relationship, and change your ex’s behaviour and the way he/she thinks about you.  Changing the way your ex feels about you, or perhaps reminding your ex how they feel about you, is a key part of winning them back.

Recognise the signs of how to win your ex back

It’s important that you are able to recognise whether or not your ex is interested in you romantically and if he/she is ready to get back together.  You need to be able to see that if he/she is showing signs of interest, you still have a chance, but you also need to be able to recognise if they are not, so that you can give up and move on.

Signs you can win your ex back

successful reconciliationThere are several ways your ex may show interest in getting back together or at least in continuing to meet up with you.  Your ex may begin to suggest meetings or doing something together.  They might invite you over, or attempt to draw out the meeting.  You know that your ex is interested if they are keen to continue the meetings and always happy to see you again.

You can recognise that your endeavour to win your ex back is succeeding if he/she is always open and friendly, happy to see you again.  Read his/her body language.  If your ex sits close to you or leans towards you, they’re interested.  When they listen to you attentively and hang on to every word you say, they’re interested.

If your ex starts to make an effort with his/her appearance before seeing you, it’s a clear sign that he/she is interested.  Look out for haircuts, new clothes and an extra layer of mascara.  If your ex is suddenly making more of an effort with his/her appearance, there’s a reason why.

And if my ex behaves as during our relationship ?

When your ex often brings up your relationship in conversation, he/she is probably hoping to get back together.  Does he/she discuss your relationship openly?  And does your ex talk about it wistfully? Also, does he/she use phrases like “If we were still together…”?  It won’t be long until you understand how to win your ex back.

Does your ex make an effort to touch you whenever he/she can?  A comforting pat on the hand. Or a supportive hand on your shoulder. And a kiss on the cheek goodbye. Brushing a strand of hair out of your face… If your ex makes gestures like these and uses any excuse to touch you, he/she is interested in getting back together.

Signs it’s definitely over

Your ex is reluctant to agree to meet up with you, and even if he/she shows up to the meetings, they don’t stay for very long and leave as quickly as they can.  They are slow to return your calls and don’t seem interested in meeting again.  Your ex doesn’t want to see you again: your relationship is definitely over.

Your ex does agree to meet, but when they show up, they sit as far away from you as possible.  When you shift forward, your ex shifts back.  He/she folds her arms and hides their face behind their hair.  Your ex’s body language is totally closed off to you and you probably will not win your ex back.

Perhaps your ex seems very distracted during your meetings.  They don’t fully listen to what you’re saying and only respond briefly.  Maybe they keep playing with their phone.  If your ex is distracted and not paying any attention to you, they are not interested.  It would be better to give up and save yourself a lot of pain.

If you succeed

If you succeed at winning your ex back, congratulations! I’m sure you’ll be much happier from now on, but your work isn’t finished.  You need to seriously reflect on your relationship. Talk about it with your partner and figure out where the two of you went wrong before.  Discuss in depth the things that each of you could do better. Agree to keep the lines of communication open in the future to avoid another break up.  The important thing is that you learn from your mistakes, learn from this experience. Don’t make the same mistakes the second time around.

If you don’t succeed

If you fail, it’s not the end of the world.  You already believed it was hopeless. That the relationship was definitely over. So it shouldn’t come as too much of a shock or disappointment to you when it’s proved true.  You’ve already accepted the break up. Now you need to accept that you’re not getting back together and attempt to move on with your life.  This relationship didn’t go your way, but maybe your next one will.

Antoine Peytavin, fondateur du site

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