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How to forgive a cheater : 5 pieces of advice to save your relationship


How can your relationship survive Infidelity ? 

How can you get over such a devastating event and how to forgive a cheater ?

There are very few things that can compare to the agonizing pain of betrayal and the destruction of the foundation of a relationship that is TRUST.

Not only does it destroy trust but loyalty, relationships and hearts too.

When you catch someone cheating on you, your whole world changes.

So does the perception of it and not for the better.

The relationship you have built together, with love, turns out to be a big lie.

And you are left thinking was it all  lies and where did you go wrong?

Is it all over ? Can the betrayal be forgiven ?

And if so how to forgive a cheater ?

 

How to forgive a cheater : how is it today

In relationships around 57% of all men and 54% of all women admit to infidelity.

And those statistics don’t account for all the people that don’’t admit to it!

Perhaps even more startling is that around 2/3 of all men polled said they would indulge in an affair if they knew were not going to get caught.

Women, often perceived as the fairer sex fared no better with around 68% of them admitting they too would have an affair. (infidelityfacts.com/infidelity-statistics )

You have to keep in mind when you read statistics they are dry attempts at representations of aspects of life.

Not the absolute truth that applies 100% to every case.

It can be seen that infidelity is an indicator of pre-existing relationship problems.

That may be true, but it is not an excuse for it.

Poor communication, loss of intimacy, hurt feelings, resentment or embitterment frequently can lead to acting out in the form of cheating behavior.

An affair can be a wake up call to both parties.

That they have neglected the health and integrity of the relationship.

It needs and takes time and care to heal. If the union is to be continued with and thrive.

And so much more so than T.L.C. you thought you were getting from the relationship previously.

Cheating can be understood as an indirect communication behavior, signaling chronic dissatisfaction, anger or frustration with the partner’s behavior, attitude or quality of the relationship.

In any case addressing correctly those underlying problems, in the aftermath of the betrayal, can help to improve communication and strengthen the relationship.

But first the trust that was broken must be re-established.

A delicate process that requires effort, time, motivation and above all total commitment.

Big Questions about how to forgive a cheater

There are so many big painful questions that need answering and none of them are going to be easy to address or to resolve.

It goes without saying no matter how bad you feel, you are going to have to address them and get some answers.

Why did they do it ?

Are they blaming you for cheating and are you blaming yourself?

How was your relationship when it happened?

Have they cheated on you or other people in the past?

Do they regret what they’ve done?

Should you stay together ?

Are they worth another chance?

Is it worth it ?

Was it all a lie ?

How to forgive a cheater ?

How can you go on with your life and love in light of this catastrophe ?

You are not alone

You are not alone and there is no reason to feel that way.

Take solace, in the fact that many others have been down this road before you. 

Just hopefully not specifically with your partner.

If that’s the case skip the advice and go to a dating site.

The Advice

In order to go about the how to forgive a cheater, you have to be strong and brave, brave enough to trust again.

You must be able to get beyond the betrayal, hurt, humiliation, and anger to be able to have acceptance and compassion.

Before you can begin to know how forgive a cheater, there are things you will have to do.

First off

Diffuse the anger that is felt about the issue.

You can’t deal with the issue properly while you are still angry.

You have every right to be angry.

It’s normal, but it won’t help in dealing with the betrayal.

Put a face, maybe two, on the punchbag and work it out.

No really violence is never a solution, but a good work out will definitely help to diffuse anger and relieve stress.

Besides it has outright health benefits along with the self improvement ones.

It will make you feel better and look better, should you decide to move on.

Diffusing the anger takes time, so take your time.

Allow yourself to be angry, get some distance.

Regain the ability to think rationally about the situation, rather than taking a reactionary route.

This is essential nay, crucial, if you are to carefully consider your position.

And think about your future and possibly, how to forgive a cheater.

Secondly Reflect on your relationship.

Reflect is probably not the best word ,analyse maybe, agonize over, no dissect possibly.

But really, give it thorough consideration.

Within this time for contemplation think firstly and most importantly about yourself .

And ask yourself, can you in all honesty live with and continue to live with knowing about your partner’s infidelity ?

This is another very important point. One that you must give serious deep thought to, before you can even consider moving on with, how to forgive a cheater.

I mean, is the fact that knowing, they did cheat, going to torture you every day, every hour, ever after ?

That is no way to continue in any kind of relationship.

There was a breach of trust, that is just a fact, but can you get over it and live with it ?

In this area you have also got to way up the pros and cons of continuing in the relationship.

Is it  really worth it ? Should you have seen the signs beforehand ? Were there signs ?

Did your friends warn you or say it was bound to happen.  

Thirdly then consider have they cheated on you or other people in the past?

If the cheater is a first time or once off offender, I would speculate that the chances of working things through are definitely more positive, if that is the case.

Research indicates that two thirds of all affairs occur at the workplace.

Is your partner willing and able to cut all ties with this person, even if it means moving their job.

If your spouse or partner cannot do this, then you are faced with the constant realization that they are still seeing the other person every day.

Chances are this relationship has no chance.

All ties have to be cut to this other person in order for you to forgive a cheater. Is that even possible ?

Who did they cheat with ?

Are they emotionally involved with them ?  Are there children involved ?

Your decision whether to move forward or not, will have an impact on others.

The only reason to reconcile should not be because you have kids who will be disappointed.

Yet, you have to do what you feel is right for all people involved.

Fourthly

You know the person you are dealing with by now.

You know not only what they are capable of.

But also how deeply they are capable of loving.

Well up to the point you became aware of the affair.

Now that’s a double edged and bloody sword.

And especially if it comes as a complete surprise and shock.

Having further false hope and expectations about your loved one can bring in more heartbreak for you, if they come up short of your idea of “happily ever after.”

So be realistic about them and what you want from them the relationship and what you want for yourself.

Are they worth another chance?   Is this a good enough reason to continue ?

These and others are the questions you have got to ask yourself.

Why did the infidelity really occur ? In this you must honestly consider if you have contributed to their actions.

By this, I mean, how was your relationship when it happened ?

Was the alliance over to all intents and purposes.

Like an unspoken thing where you kinda knew it was over but it was not verbally spoken in a death sentence ?

In the relationship prior to finding out, were you spending enough quality time with your partner.

Was it a case of generally being emotionally unavailable with your partner ? Or not being more in tune with their sexual needs ?

Are there self esteem issues with either of the partners ? Where there is a feeling of not being attractive enough.

These few issues I have mentioned are not the only ones that can contribute to a lackluster partnership.

A partnership, that could be more business than pleasure.

And given the current state of affairs, might just be more work than you are willing to commit to.

Lastly

This is where the cheater comes into the picture and both of you talk it out calmly.

It should not take the form of a monologue rant of spite and anger ( hopefully you have worked out  or at least on those issues). But a dialogue and discussion.

The discussion should include the feelings of both.

It is not the time to lay blame either though doubtless it will come up, it shouldn’t be the focus.

It is more about the cause, effects and the results.

Whatever the root causes, they need to be openly acknowledged and dealt with in a constructive manner with a view to solutions rather than disolutions.

Do they regret what they’ve done? Do they take responsibility ?

If during the course of the discussion your partner continuously and repeatedly tries to lays the blame at your feet, for whatever reasons ditch them.  

You are not and can not be made responsible for their actions.

Tell them that feeling sad or lonely doesn’t justify cheating.

If your partner was having an emotional issues in the relationship, then he or she should have brought it up with you.

Going behind your back to deal with it by cheating is like trying to mend a broken phone with a hammer.

What did they really that it was going to work ?

Are they Prepared to change and mend their evil ways for good ?

Otherwise, how to forgive a cheater if there is no future for the relationship ?

Don’t get obsessed or fixated, remember this is about how to forgive a cheater. It’s about the forgiveness.

You may not be able to forget the fact, but you don’t have to bring it up at every given opportunity.

That’s not forgiveness that is fixation.

And you did make a conscious informed decision, before getting to this point.

To make the effort, to get over it and move on with the relationship and forgive the betrayal.

The biggest stumbling blocks to working through this situation is the hurt, anger and resentment felt by the betrayed partner.

Another is the inability to trust a person.

One who has typically lied, manipulated, covered up and otherwise deceived their partner in this state of affairs.  

But that doesn’t mean that everything they say and do from that point on is a lie.

It is about learning to trust again after granting forgiveness.

If its not them, then it is going to have to be with someone else.

Don’t doubt that you are going to have to learn to trust full stop.

Trust is the binder that holds any relationship together.

Commitment is all about trust: making and hopefully keeping promise.

It is a pledge, a choice and a foregone decision to say yes to this person.

And no to any other choices or opportunities that may arise.

Then the consistent and faithful upkeep of that promise.

Once that pledge to commitment is damaged, there are no sure things.

The fragile foundations of the relationship have been ruined .

Trust has been broken. And broken trust is one of the most difficult relationship dynamics to rebuild.

This takes time have patience. Rome wasn’t built in a day as they say.

Without trust, intimacy suffers, when emotional intimacy dries up, so does sexual intimacy.

Defensive walls go up, communication breaks down and distance replaces closeness.

This could lead to the same situation arising again. Repeating the lessons of how to forgive a cheater.

This is not what you want is it ?

 

Antoine Peytavin, fondateur du site jerecuperemonex.com

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