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Get back together after a breakup : where should I start ?


get back together after a breakupWhether the breakup happened suddenly a few days ago and we just didn’t mean for it to happen or a few weeks ago and now that we’re alone we can suddenly see very clearly that our ex is the perfect person for us, separating from our partner is never easy and we often want to get back together after a breakup.  We want to show our significant other that our short time apart has taught us that we want to do everything in our power to make the relationship work.  We want to show our partner that it can be better, that we can try harder, and that we can make it work if they give us another chance, but often our ex is still feeling hurt, guilty or confused, so how can we convince them to give it another shot?  How can we convince an ex to get back together after a breakup?  Let’s find out.

Establish a no contact period

Initiating a period of no contact or radio silence is the first step to getting back together with an ex.  As counterproductive as it may seem, cutting off all contact with your ex, be it calls, texts, visits or messages, has an uncanny effect, and works in such a way that it is beneficial to you even if you do not succeed in your endeavor.

Recover

Taking some time out from your ex will give you a chance to let the pain of the breakup dull.  If you want to get your ex back you need to purge yourself of any emotions such as anger, hurt, resentment or disappointment that you have for your ex, and a no contact period will allow you to do this.  When you get back together with your ex, you need to make sure you’re starting off on a clean slate, so during the no contact period you need to find a way to work through these emotions and get rid of them so you don’t carry them with you into your new relationship.

You should also use this time out from your ex to reflect on the relationship.  If you want the relationship to work when you get back together, you need to take this time to identify what went wrong in your previous relationship and consider if there was anything that you did wrong.  You need to identify these errors so that you can work on them, so that you and your ex don’t make the same mistakes twice when you get back together after a breakup.

Improve yourself

Use this no contact period effectively to work on yourself and ultimately make you more attractive to your ex.  Do things to improve your attitude, your body and your mind, and this will also help take your mind off of the breakup.  Take up a new sport or hobby, try new things or do something that you’ve always wanted to do.  Keep yourself busy and thirsting for life; this will dramatically change your attitude and your outlook on life.  These things will also help to improve your confidence and make you feel more outgoing and positive.  They will change the way you see things and will make you a more forward-facing, exuberant and interesting person. Your ex won’t be able to resist you.

Along with these internal improvements, you should also do something to improve your appearance.  Get a new haircut, try out some new makeup or invest in some new clothes.  When you meet your ex again you should be wearing something that you bought after the breakup and that your ex has never seen before.  This will ultimately make you seem more attractive to your ex and will also reflect the changes that you’ve made within.

Why?

What is the purpose of a radio silence period in the attempt to get back together after a breakup?  The effect of this period is threefold.  Firstly, while you’re busy struggling through the period because you miss your ex fiercely, your ex is also missing you.  This period of silence will give them a chance to notice your absence and reflect on how lonely their life is without you, and they will miss you.  Secondly, it gives your ex some time to cool off after the breakup and really consider the relationship, and wonder whether they have made the right decision in walking away.  Finally, your silence will make your ex very curious.  The lack of any attempt at contact from you will make your ex wonder what you’re up to, what you’re doing and who you’re spending time with.  Not seeing or speaking to your ex is a great way to ensure that you are constantly on their mind.

Arrange a meeting

When a few weeks have passed and you are ready to end your no contact period and dive in head first to the getting your ex back process, you’re ready to re-establish contact, the aim of this being to arrange a face-to face meeting with your ex.

Call your ex

reunite with your exThe ideal way to re-establish contact with your ex after a period of silence is on the telephone, not by text as this is too impersonal, and not in person as this makes you seem a little too keen.  Call your ex, and surprise at hearing from you after such a long time and curiosity will encourage your ex to pick up.  Be clear on what you’re going to say to your ex before you call.  Casually ask how they’re doing and ask if they would like to meet you somewhere to talk.  Keep the call as brief as possible and try to be the one who ends it; make it seem like you’re busy and a little unavailable to your ex.  If they don’t answer, leave a message; or if they refuse to meet with you or get back to you, go back to radio silence for a little longer if you still want to get back together after a breakup.

A neutral setting

Make sure the meeting is very casual and takes place in a neutral location; not your ex’s home nor yours, and not in your ex’s favorite bar.  Go to a café or take a stroll around a park that is neutral territory; this will help you both to keep your emotions in check and avoid letting things get too serious.  Be on time to the meeting, but not too early.  Keep the meeting brief and be the one to end it.

Casual conversation

The idea of this meeting is to re-establish regular contact, not to have a serious, in-depth discussion about your relationship, so unless your ex brings it up you should avoid talking about it. Keep the tone of the conversation very light; ask about your ex’s friends or family and be attentive to their responses.  If you can, you should subtly mention a few of the things that you’ve been doing to improve yourself.  End the meeting with “we should do this again sometime” but don’t make any solid plans.

Continue seeing your ex

After this initial meeting and assuming everything is going according to plan, you now need to make this contact and these meetings with your ex a regular plan so you can show your ex that if you got back together the relationship would be different this time.

Casual meetings

After the first meeting with your ex, you should wait a few days before calling them and arranging another meeting, although this is assuming that your ex doesn’t call you to suggest something first.  If your ex does call you first, that’s a good sign, it means they’re interested and can’t wait to see you again.  Continue to meet your ex in neutral spots and to have coffee or lunch or do activities together.  Avoid candlelit dinners unless your ex is the one to suggest it.  Throughout these meetings keep the tone light and avoid mentioning the relationship if you want to get back together after a breakup.

Show you’ve changed

During these meetings, you will show your ex that you’ve changed.  It will become apparent in the way you speak and act and in the way you make your ex feel.  After a few of these casual get-togethers, your ex will become confident that you are different now, and that if the two of you give it another go, the relationship will be different this time.  When your ex starts to talk about your relationship wistfully or say things like “If we were still together…” you know it’s time to get back together after a breakup.

Get back together after a breakup

This part is in many ways the most difficult as it requires you to go out on a limb and lay yourself bare at your ex’s mercy.  If your ex fails to bring it up after several meetings, you’re going to have to suggest getting back together.

Start again

You can try to bring up the topic in conversation as casually as possible but no matter how you look at it; it’s a discussion about your relationship.  Make it clear to your ex that you would like to try again and suggest that the two of you give it another go.  You’re going to make yourself a little vulnerable, but if all the signs are present it may yield a good result.  If your ex agrees, then the two of you can get back together and everybody’s happy.  If not, then at least you’ll know that you didn’t give up easily, that you fought for your relationship and you can take pride in knowing that and attempt to move on with your life.

Discuss your old relationship

Even if you manage to get back together after a breakup, this doesn’t automatically mean success.  You have more work to do.  You and your partner need to sit down together and have a serious conversation about where the two of you went wrong in your first relationship.  You need to discuss what happened to make the two of you drift apart and if there’s anything you can do to improve your relationship this time and make sure that you’re not headed towards another painful breakup.  You should discuss this unemotionally and dispassionately, as if it happened to two strangers and you have no interest in the outcome.  More than anything, the two of you need to be aware that this is not your old relationship, it is a new one, so your old arguments and disagreements don’t count.  You both have to leave the past in the past and treat this as a brand new relationship.

Open communication

reconcileIn this new relationship, you and your partner have to agree to keep the lines of communication open at all times.  If you broke up before, it was likely due to a breakdown in communication of some sort, so now that you’ve gotten back together, you should be resolved to be open and honest with your partner about anything and everything that’s troubling you, even if it’s doubts about your relationship.  You need to remember that the other person is your partner, and they are with you through thick and thin to help you and support you. Continue to communicate with your partner, do things together frequently and continue to work on your relationship.

Sometimes it may take a long time to get back together after a breakup, sometimes it may take no time at all.  Each case is different and each has its own struggles and particularities, but in general this process works like a charm.  Begin the process by initiating a period of no contact or radio silence, and then when you feel that you’ve made the most of that period, call your ex to get back in contact and arrange a casual meeting.  Continue to meet up with your ex casually and without talking about your relationship until you think your ex is ready to get back together.  Open a dialogue; talk about your wish to get back together and discover if your ex feels the same way.  When you reunite, have a conversation about your relationship, what went wrong before and what you can do to be better this time.  Work on your relationship constantly.  This is how you and your ex will get back together after a breakup.

Antoine Peytavin, fondateur du site jerecuperemonex.com

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