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Couples break up : the GMEB secret to move on
There is nothing like a lingering relationship wound to keep you from a happy future.
We have all been there.
Experiencing good love gone bad is painful when couples break up.
It doesn’t really matter how the relationship ended.
Or who was right and who was wrong.
The bottom line is that when couples break up it hurts.
That pain can prevent you from moving forward in any meaningful way.
While time heals all wounds you should not just sit around and wait for that process to occur.
There are things you can do to and some you have to.
Here I will share with you the GMEB secret to help you move on.
Moving on isn’t easy
Let us be honest moving on isn’t easy.
Anyone who says it is, is not telling the whole truth.
That is no secret.
You would think moving on is just a matter of putting the past behind us.
It should be a matter of getting on with your life.
I mean, you want to move on right ?
Just forget about the past!
Get over it I am sure that you have heard that one before many times.
Look onward to the future.
Keep yourself busy with other things.
Oh no it is not that easy from the heart and the minds or the memory’s perspective.
While these do contribute in some ways and are some help.
Many will realize that there is more to it than meets the eye.
No matter how you try to push away the past.
It hangs around like a lingering bad smell.
Affecting the way you think about yourself, your decisions, and your actions.
You don’t realize this until you come to actually try to do it.
That realization is what can help, to let go.
In the end, there is the past relationship baggage to clear out.
Conscious and unconscious, erroneous beliefs to unravel.
Mistakes made by both sides to be forgiven.
And then try to be forgotten.
Before you can really truly move on.
All these require an ability to think consciously and to maintain a level of objectivity.
Which is hard because such matters are usually linked to deep personal sorrows and injured pride.
Chilean poet Pablo Neruda wrote many years ago,
This is sound advice for when couples break up.
Some people won’t have the ability to love in a healthy way.
We can heed Neruda’s advice and wish them well on their journey, while saying farewell.
Letting go of a past relationship is a lot like mourning the death of someone.
You will go through the same stages of denial, anger, rationalization,
obsessive thoughts on the relationship and the other person, among other things.
And eventually in time, acceptance.
Signs to tell if you have not moved on:
- When you think of the person more often than not.
- When you think about him/her even though you don’t want to.
- When you keep mentally reliving past memories with him/her, usually the happy/sweet ones.
- When he/she comes to mind the first instant when you are down and out.
- When you still have questions and resignations about the past. You wonder what could have been or why didn’t it turn out a certain way.
- When you assign blame for the way things turned out, whether it’s to him/her, yourself or the circumstance.
- When thought/sight of him/her trigger certain emotional reactions, such as aversion, anxiety, frustration, resignation.
- When you keep trying to improve yourself because you feel you were not good enough (for him/her).
- When you have a desire to spite him/her, as a way of making him/her regret for whatever happened.
- When you often bring up the person in your conversations, even when there is no relation.
- When you have a desire or urge to contact him/her even though you previously told yourself you didn’t want to.
- When you find yourself living out the same looping patterns. A very common example would be on-again, off-again relationships with that person. Or a lingering state of relationship that doesn’t get anywhere. Even if you are with other people, if the relationships act out in the same pattern as the past, it reflects you have not moved on. There’s a part of you entrenched in the past which is making the same situation reenact itself, just with a different person.
Couples break up: a note about the length of time
When people are struggling after a relationship ends,
their first question is often “how long will this last?”.
Of course, there is no magic formula to answer this question.
According to one study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology,
more than 70 percent of participants took a little less than three months to move on.
Or to see the positive aspects from the couples break up
and to feel once more, goal oriented like they had experienced personal growth.
Unsurprisingly, it is around this same length of time just over the three month mark,
that another survey said people start dating someone else in a real or significant way.
In which they are more focused on the new situation rather than the old one.
Of course, every person is different in this respect, as are their relationships.
The point of repeating these numbers is simply to emphasize that healing can and does take time.
We should try to maintain a patient and gentle approach to this aspect of the recovery.
Bad days are a normal and natural part of that longer journey.
During these low points it is important to remember it will absolutely get better.
It may not feel like it, but time, truthfully, is on our side.
As studies have shown that relationships and when couples break up
it is similar to substance withdrawal.
With that in mind so the recovery time and method should be taken one day at a time.
Be kind and patient in this respect.
Silence your inner critic
The “critical inner voice” is a term used by Dr. Robert Firestone.
It describes the negative thought process we all have that is like an internalized nemesis.
This cruel voice criticizes, coaches, even pities us and others.
In ways that undermine us when we are up and kick us when we are down.
A lot of the pain and suffering we experience when couples break up is owed to this inner critic.
Common post break up voices can say things like:
“I told you he or she would leave you.”
“You have nothing now.”
“No one will ever love you.”
“You’ll always be alone.”
“You can’t trust men or women.”
“You should just forget about relationships.”
“Have a drink; it will make you feel better.”
“Just be alone. No one wants to see you right now.”
Getting caught up and believing this internal dialogue,
makes the process of figuring out how to move on so much more difficult.
However, we can get to recognize this voice as the enemy or at least unhelpful.
It really is and learn to separate it from a realistic point of view.
Take steps to overcome the critical inner voice.
Develop an awareness of your thoughts.
Ask yourself what advice you’d give to a friend.
Examine the evidence.
Replace overly critical thoughts with more accurate statements.
When couples break up practice releasing regrets.
When couples break up, it’s tempting to dwell on what you did wrong.
Or what you could have or should have done differently.
This might seem productive like you can somehow change things by rehashing it.
You can’t, it won’t.
All dwelling on it does is to cause you to suffer more, unnecessarily.
When you start revisiting the past in your head, pull yourself into the present moment.
Focus on the good things in your current situation.
The friends who are there for you and the lessons you have learned
that will help you with future relationships.
It might help to tell your friends to only let you vent for ten minutes at a time.
That way you’re free to express your feelings, but not drown in them.
They do have limits to their patience you know.
Work on forgiving yourself.
You might think you made the biggest mistake of your life and if only you didn’t do it,
you wouldn’t be in pain right now.
Don’t go down that road there is nothing good down there!
Instead, keep reminding yourself that you are human.
You are entitled to make mistakes; everyone does.
And you will learn from them and use those lessons to improve your life.
Also, keep in mind: if you want to feel love again in the future,
the first step is to prepare yourself to give and receive it.
You can only do that if you feel love toward yourself.
And that means forgiving yourself.
When couples break up reflect realistically
There is always real loss that comes when couples break up.
However, we also tend to look back on our relationships with nostalgia for the good times
and blinkers on the bad.
“Reflect on the relationship for what it was,” advised Dr. Karen Weinstein.
“Resist the common tendency to idealize the relationship.
It’s very common to only recall and focus on the wonderful aspects of the relationship.
This makes it even harder to accept the reality that it’s over
and is the equivalent of ‘denial’ in the stages of grief.”
Remembering that there were struggles and issues in the relationship.
Real reasons why you are no longer together.
It can help us feel more resilient and resolved toward moving on.
Reflect on what didn’t work in the relationship.
Once you’ve made it past the grieving and to acceptance,
you’ll be able to see things more clearly.
It may be that when you think about the relationship, you may now see there were red flags.
Or things that didn’t work well for you.
Use this to better all your relationships romantic or otherwise.
Maybe you or the other person were passive aggressive, conflict avoiding,
co-dependent or people-pleasing.
Endings can be amazing beginnings in terms of self realization and development.
Reconnect with who you are outside a relationship.
Unless you hop from relationship to relationship.
Odds are you lived a fulfilling single life before you got into this one.
You were independent, satisfied, and happy, at least on the whole.
Recall and embody that person once again, now.
Reconnect with any people or interests that may have gotten less attention
while you were attached.
That independent, happy, passionate person you were attracted your ex.
That person will get you through this loss and attract someone equally amazing in the future.
When the time is right for you.
Not a sad, depressed, guilt-ridden person clutching to what once was.
If you can’t remember who you are, get to know yourself now.
What do you love about life?
Create some separation
Hope can be a terrible thing if it keeps you stuck in the past.
And hope that a reunion may be on the cards can be just a way to stall recovery.
It’s not easy to end all contact when you feel attached to someone.
Breaking off the friendship might feel like ruining your chances at knowing love again.
It helps you to change your hopes to broader terms.
So instead of wanting one specific person to re-enter your life.
Instead want love and happiness.
Whatever or whoever that may look like.
You will know love again.
You won’t spend the rest of your life alone.
In one way or another, you will meet all kinds of people.
Be open to creating all kinds of possibilities for relationships.
There are plenty of other fish in the sea and plenty of people who would love you.
It is a well worn analogy but there is a good reason for that, it is true.
If you love and forgive yourself, let go.
Open yourself up to the idea of finding love again.
You never know there could be someone who has been waiting
secretly for the opportunity to love you.
Antoine Peytavin, fondateur du site jerecuperemonex.com