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Be friends with your ex : A good or bad thing ?


Be friends with your ex, or the emotional roller coaster of a breakup.

Can often mean that you do not end on best of terms with your ex partner.

But after the dust has settled and the heat has gone.

It can be possible to be friends with your ex.

To be or not to be friends with your ex

That is the question.

 

Whether it is nobler intentions in mind or just that there is or was just too much history.

Or a strange awkwardness between you.

Maintaining a platonic friendship after dating someone is one of life’s greatest puzzles.

Which is why many don’t often do it.

There are benefits to maintaining a friendship but that is not seen by all as a good thing.

Here are some good and bad reasons to be friends with your ex.

 

Good reasons to be friends with your ex

1. Your relationship was too good not to survive

If you and your partner were friends before you became romantically entangled.

It is possible to be friends with your ex after a relationship has ended.

Perhaps the relationship was a mistake between friends.

And now that you have realised that little mistake.

You are both willing and able to return to that previous state.

Sometimes the relationship just didn’t work out.

But on the whole it was worth it to try and be friends with your ex.

So why not try salvage something from it.

 

2. It makes the break up easier to be friends with your ex

Everyone knows that breaking up is hard to do.

And can cause a great amount of stress and aggravation.

So why not try make it easier on yourselves.

Well if that works for you both why not.

And as long as you both know where you stand.

And no one is lying to themselves about the reasons for it.

 

 

3. Because you have moved on

If you or your ex have processed the break up properly and even gone as far as moving on.

And you both understand there is nothing between you.

Then you could be friends with your ex.

If both of you have moved on to greener pastures.

Then there should not really be any issue trying to.

If only one partner has moved on.

It may be awkward for the three to hang out together, being a crowd.

But as long as the new couple are strong enough and mature enough.

There is no reason why it can’t work.

 

4. If you both still care about each other

If you both still really care for each other.

In a platonic way then there is no reason why you should not be friends with your ex.

It is a great thing to have that resilience within a friendship.

The ability to bounce back after some conflict or a break up.

And still have their best interest at heart is a great foundation for a friendship.

As long as it is a platonic caring and not a pining secret one is harboring for the other.

Then it would be fine start to a friendship.

 

5. If your breakup was amicable

Breakups are never really easy given the nature of what is being said in them.

This is not working out for me, you or us it’s not me it’s you etc.

But if there is no fire in the relationship the end does not have to spark anything different.

If things in the end things are amicable then there should be nothing barring being friends.

Some relationships can throughout their course of their lifespan exist on an even keel.

Without ever really having serious issues.

So what would negate being friends with your ex in that instance.

 

6. If you both are emotionally mature enough

Emotional maturity in both partners can be a good reason to be friends with your ex.

The fact that you both have the emotional intelligence and understanding.

To see the breakup does not have to mean the end of a friend.

It can lead to a lasting platonic relationship.

Emotional intelligence and maturity can mean the differences don’t have to be difficulties.

And can mean the difference between making an enemy of an ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend.

 

7. You don’t have to divide up a good social group

If you have a good social group of friends in common.

A breakup can mean more that just the separation of a couple of people.

This can lead some to try be friends with your ex.

It may not always work out but at least you do not have to avoid social gathering if they are there.

And you don’t have to divide up a good social group by making them choose sides.

Which is difficult for everyone involved.  

 

8. It feels less like a complete waste of time

The end of a relationship can seem like that whole time spent together.

And the emotional investment in it was a waste.

One where nothing redeemable is left after it is over.

Why not try and salvage a friendship from a relationship if you are both willing and able.

It means that all those posts on both of your social media can remain intact.

And don’t look so awkward in looking back.

 

9. You don’t have to try delete their whole existence

In this day and age of smartphones and duality of real life and the virtual reality.

It can be hard to purge all that information from your life and your devices.

In the event of a breakup which common wisdom mandates is best practice.

I mean the persistence of memory is fickle and flawed in your head.

But what is on the net stays on the net that is a different story.

So why bother going through all that when it might be easier to Be friends with your ex.

 

10. Negativity or animosity is not healthy to sustain

And really it is not.

Health experts and numerous studies show it will rot your brain and can destroy your life.

So why risk contaminating your whole existence.

By holding on to something that in the end is going to be detrimental to your health.

Grow up life is wonderful and better without the sustained negativity of a failed romance.

Get over it be friends with your ex.

Ok so you might not have found love but you can make friends.

And who in truth couldn’t do with more friends rather than keeping a grudge.  

 

Bad reasons to be friends with your ex

10. You have the same friends.

Research suggests that if your friends and family want you to stay friends with an ex.

You are more likely to try do so.

But that doesn’t mean you have to.

Staying friends with your ex for the sake of social harmony is a noble goal.

But if it’s your only reason for maintaining the friendship, it can be problematic.

You have a right to spend time with your friends without your ex present.

And you also have a right to decline invitations to events that your ex is also attending.

Even if you are okay running into the ex from time to time.

This doesn’t mean you need to be friends.

 

9. You feel bad for them.

Feeling bad or sorry for your ex is no good reason to try keep them as a friend.

You may come to resent them for the same reason.

If you initiated the breakup you do not have to nurse them back to life.

Your support may actually make them feel worse.

Research suggests that people like to know that support is available if they need it.

But they do not like to feel needy.

You can ensure they have other support networks to help them get through the breakup.

In the long run it is better for them not to rely on you for this support.

 

8. You want to keep tabs on them.

If you are only want to be friends with your ex in order to keep tabs on them.

It is not going to do you any favours.

Being your ex’s confidant will not benefit either of you in the long run.

Especially if you have mixed feelings about them moving on.

Even just remaining on social media as friends can give you a window into your ex’s life.

For better or worse, but it is usually for the worse.

Social media “stalking” tends to increase anxiety and jealousy.

If you have trouble resisting it, you may be better off unfriending your ex, both on and offline.

 

7. You’re lonely.

A breakup can lead to a hole in your social life.

It can be appealing to invite the ex over for a movie and a night in.

This can lead to an on again and off again relationship.

Research suggests it can lead to lower satisfaction, less love, more uncertainty and more communication problems.

You are also in danger of putting yourself in a hookup zone.

Which may not be worth the short-term comfort.

If you are feeling lonely it is better to turn to friends and family instead.

Or to find ways to make the most of your time alone.

 

6. You’re having “grass is greener” syndrome.

If you are not totally satisfied in a new relationship.

You may feel like keeping in contact and being friends with your ex.

It is easy to romanticise the person you’re not with.

But this way of thinking is a trap.

Because the Grass is Always Greener somewhere else.

You will end up never being satisfied where you are.

Adding your ex in to an already unsatisfactory relationship is likely to complicate matters further.

If you are unhappy in your present relationship.

It is worth trying to address those feelings with your current partner.

 

5. You hope that maybe someday they will change.

If there were serious issues in the relationship like drinking or infidelity.

These may have led to break-up of the relationship.

Remaining friends in order to prompt change in your ex partner can be problematic.

The hope for reconciliation can motivate people to improve.

But if your ex senses that, it won’t be too hard to win you back.

They may be more focused on proving they have changed rather than making real changes.

Holding out hope for your ex partner to change can lead to disappointment.

 

4. You want to keep them on the back burner

Some people may seamlessly from one relationship to another.

Having an eye on their next conquest while in their present relationship.

Some may even maintain friendship with an ex as a backup.

Needless to say this approach is unfair to both your present partner and your ex.

Sometimes you have to close a door fully, if you want to open another one.

This applies equally to relationships and partners.

 

3. They won’t take no for an answer.

You may not want to remain friends what if an ex does and won’t leave you alone.

You have every right to say no to a friendship.

Make sure you are direct with your ex about your feelings.

Don’t be afraid to involve the police if it goes too far.

While social media stalking may be relatively harmless.

Real stalking is scary and unacceptable.

These behaviours can start with contacting an ex after being told not to.

Or showing up at an ex’s residence uninvited.

Issues of anger, obsessiveness, jealousy and the need for control.

Predict a greater chance of stalking behaviour after a relationship.

So beware of these traits.

 

2. They still love you.

Your ex partner still loves you and you don’t feel the same.

The best thing you can do is let them go.

It can be confusing for them especially if it gives some false hope.

Even if you make it clear to your ex you wish to remain friends.

It may not be clear enough to your ex.

Remember that love is blind and people see what they want to see.

It is best to minimise contact and let you ex move on.

 

1. You still love them.

Being secretly in love with your ex can be a powerful motivation to stay friends.

Unfortunately is one of the most dangerous and damaging ones.

There is little chance of you changing their mind if your ex does not want to be with you.

It is better to spend time with friends and family.

Who make you feel loved and appreciated rather than your ex

 

Antoine Peytavin, fondateur du site jerecuperemonex.com

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